Aug 10, 2024 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Food, GROUNDED, Health, Play Therapy, Resources, Sleep, Trauma
PARENTS / CARERS – Someone in your house not finding it easy to get to the Land of Nod without a big battle or tears, a pa-lava or endless requests that are really avoidant distractions?
I want to help you. Because I know this situation can change for you and yours, like it has for so many.
There are certain things that I have been through with every parent I have supported with exactly this. And my approach is NOT your common – sleep management techniques you may see on the TV! 
Sleep struggles are an opportunity to actually bring you closer together with your child… if you know how.
This is an online guide you can read or listen to – I put it together for you… I know it will help. In fact imagining how you and your child will feel, when some of the sections are used by you in your child’s room actually makes me well up. šš
The sleep code for your child that feels impossible right now, IS crack-able… let’s do it together.
Inside your online resource we’ll explore together:-
- the 3 common factors that fuel sleep struggles
- we’ll get you equipped to end the battles at bedtime
- we’ll help your child through any bedroom fears
- we’ll also explore how trauma impacts sleep and how to sensitively support
- AND… I’ll let you in on the top secret that is NEVER mentioned in mainstream sleep stuff – but has been gold for most of the situations I’ve helped so far…
AS a BONUS you will also get detailed coaching and some downloads to keep forever, around my top 2 most effective breakthrough conversations that are pure magic to bring you closer to your child. I can’t wait for you to have these – infact imagining the impact of you using them with your child in their bedroom, makes me well up.
Your child will be glad you got this. š
Who is Claire Wilson?
Ā Claire is an expert in childrenās mental health, a qualified and experienced trauma specialist.
– She is also a qualified teacher and Clinical Supervisor
– and an experienced childrenās therapist working for over 12 years, often with cases that CAMHS were unable to help.
– She has been a Behaviour Consultant and Therapeutic Adviser to primary schools for over 9 years.
– Her book GROUNDED : Discovering the Missing Piece in the Puzzle of Childrenās Behaviour is on itās forth print run and has been hailed a āmust-readā by parents, teachers and therapists in over 28 countries. It is currently being translated into 6 languages.
– The impact of her TEDx Talk on Childrenās Mental health has also brought hope and insight to parents and school staff around the world.
– She is a regular guest on international summits and podcasts and was recently the only British person, included in the line-up of world-experts who were interviewed in the recent international summit for parent, teachers and therapists of Bright & Quirky kidsā¦ for many parents her talk (out of 22) was their favourite.
– One of her gifts is being able to make complex things understandable… and helping adults ‘get’ children, and children feel ‘got’ by their special adults, is one of the things that makes her really smile.
Aug 1, 2024 | Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, Sleep, Trauma
I wrote this in September 2021. It was sent to the readers of the CHEW emails… but in marking the 3 year anniversary, it feels like time to share it with the wider world… in case it helps. x
Year of the Dog
I know it has been a long while sine I last wrote. 2021 for me became the Year of the Dog. My dog. My Hinton. He was given an unexpected diagnosis of cancer back in January and only days or maybe weeks to live. Life went on hold while I focused on supporting him and healing from the shock of the newsā¦ it was in every sense traumatic.
Incredibly he made it to July, got to celebrate his 6th birthday and we made yet more incredible memories before we said goodbye at the end of the month. He was woven into every piece of my life ā personal and professional. The presence of his absence is huge.
Some people post to Social Media straight away. I couldnāt. It was too painful, too private. It has taken me this long into my own grieving process to be ready and able to let you know heās gone.
A True Story
I was sitting beside a small, working harbour one afternoon in August. I had gone away with a friend for a while. I needed to see the sea. Still exhausted from 8 months of interrupted sleep caring for him, as well as the weight and energy the initial phase of grieving was taking, I was happy to just sit and watch the world carry on. Seagulls swooped. Tourists swung lines for crabs. Locals sat outside their favourite bars and cafes, and the sun was shining. I felt the gentle breeze on my face. I could smell the nourishing elixir of sea-salt air. I was hearing all the noises and none of them. My eyes settled on one of the boats in the harbour in front of me.
The tide was out and I could see it all. It was exposed. Bereft. Vulnerable. Itās buoyancy had gone. The thing that surrounded and brought it life was gone. This fishing boat was stuck ā and stuck on a severe tilt. The single keel was firmly embedded in the soft mud and a few strings of bright green seaweed were caught against it. As I looked at this boat ā such a common sight in the everydayness of life in that part of the world – I saw myself.
āI feel like that.ā I said to my friend sat silently on the bench with me. āThat boat feels like a metaphor for me right now.ā
āEh?ā
āI feel stuck and like the thing that was giving me life has goneā¦ and I have absolutely no idea when it will be back. Iām not stable and upright ā Iām not safe for other people to come and clamber into my space at the moment.ā
āAah, I see. Thatās pretty profound.ā
āWell, thatās how I feel.ā It didnāt feel profound to me ā I trained as a creative arts therapist and learnt the language and power of metaphor many, many years ago.
We continued starring at this boat among many ā some more balanced with double keels, others smaller and without any keel, so not on such a great angle.
All āmyā boat could do was wait. Just be. Just ābeā stuck. āBeā without the life giving energy it needed to do itās jobā¦ or do anything. āBeā on its angle so others couldnāt clamber on board. Just be. I took a breath as I identified with the need for yet more ābeingā for me. I had little energy to do anything else. It was OK to wait with my boat.
Trickle
And then some truth trickled in. At some pointā¦ not knowing when, slowly and gently, that boat would rise again. Life would come back again. Gradually. Buoyancy and function and balance and movement. There would be more stories for this boatā¦ at some point. Although it seemed impossible to imagine that for me at that moment, I tentatively held on to the truth that the sea would come backā¦ at some point. At some point the boat would rise again.
A few weeks on and that metaphor is still a powerful one for me. Metaphors ā when they resonate with our subconscious ARE powerful. They help us see our present more clearly. They can bring us clarity and new perspective on the future.
And we donāt have to be in a place of deep pain or significant life change to benefitā¦. We just have to be willing to be open and honest enough to ask the question ā what does my life feel like right now? Sometimes the answer comes from inside, or like meā¦ you could be staring at it.
Take care of you and those around you.
Cx
Claire WilsonĀ is a trauma therapist, behaviour and nervous system specialist with 3 decades of clinical experience. An internationally acclaimed communicator, TEDx speaker, writer and initiative maker. Her book Grounded was the first book published making Polyvagal Theory accessible to normal, non-sciency people, and is now being translated into 6 languages. She is the founder of GROUNDED GrownUpsĀ® and the GROUNDED Parent RetreatĀ®. She maintains a private practice, International coaching community and consultations for parents, charities & business owners to help increase their impact by going beyond trauma-informed to trauma-safe.
A sought-after international specialist, and consistent advocate for the voiceless, Claire has been instrumental in getting the world to be significantly safer for children and adults who have experienced trauma. There is still much to doā¦
claire@groundedgrownups.com
Jul 2, 2024 | GROUNDED, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, Trauma, Uncategorized
I recently found myself in a room of about 150-200 people. We were at a conference. All sat round tables in a nice hotel. The input had been great. The food, honestly, was even better. The connections and networking and human to human support was the best.
And as the 2 day business event drew towards a close, we were led in a group Guided Meditation / Visualization.
The guy leading is a business expert. He is not a therapist. He is not a nervous system specialist. He is not aware of how the world looks and feels to people who have experienced trauma. He has a big heart and just wanted to share with the room something that he himself had been finding really useful at home.
The conversations I had with several people after the final group photo was taken, and we were mingling in the bar (like every great party, no one was quite ready to go home yet) were not surprising to meā¦
Responses
āI just couldnāt get into itā¦ā
āI thought it was just me…ā
āI loved the place he described – thatās my favourite place to be too – but I really didnāt like it when he told us to close our eyesā¦ I felt bad but I kept peeking!! ā
āI just couldnāt do it rightā¦ I thought it was my fault – there must be something wrong with meā
āEveryone else seemed to be getting into it – I just kept my head down, but I didnāt enjoy it.ā
Ladies. (And gents that get this tooā¦ obviously). We need to talk.
Truth Time
There are some things you need to know.
This is not just my opinion.
This is truth and fact and neuroscience and the gift of my decades working as a nervous system specialist and therapist with children and adults recovering from trauma.
If you have ever been in a GUIDED MEDITATION / VISUALIZATION situation – especially a group one, and not found it leading you to sparkles and revelation and joy-filled enlightenmentā¦ please read onā¦
1. Guided Visualizations are NOT a useful thing for everyone – they may or may not be for youā¦. Either way is fine and therefore can have exactly nothing (0%) to do with your ability or sense of self. They call on a part of our subconscious which our body wisdom will know if it’s good for us to access right now – or ever. If you have ever struggled with a guided meditation, please consider dismissing the self-blame and condemnation, and instead thank your internal wisdom for stepping in!
2. If you ācouldnāt get into itā it may just simply be that you werenāt feeling safe enough. There are all kinds of reasons why – the environment, the music, the words, the topic, the pacing, the delivery – heck the very Nervous System state of the person leadingā¦ or the person sitting next to youā¦ will all be affecting you subconsciously and if you are not feeling deeply safe, then you will not be able to access your subconscious in the way a Guided meditation (good one) requires. Our bodies are set to keep us safe – and our internal, not-turn-off-able āI’m not safe right nowā detection system is strong and powerful and will literally stop us becoming vulnerable in a setting that it has assessed is not safe enough.
3. If you have ANY negative history with breathing (I know I donāt need to specify) – a meditation that starts out with instructions and specifics on how to breathe will not be safe for you. End of. Do your own breathing. Your body has and is keeping you alive. Your body is amazing. Your body knows the way to healing and recovery and safety, and for many, MANY people, starting with breathing is NOT it. You are not weird or wrong or dysfunctional in any way! Relief sigh? š
4. The room looks like āeveryone else is getting into itā because we are BRITISHā¦ and many of us have learnt to survive by Appeasing. This is a trauma response. We endured by disappearing, by not rocking the boat or going against what is being asked/expected of us. For some this was the survival skill that literally saved our little lives. For others it was one of our biggest lessons from education and is the result of decades of systemic cultural conditioning and abdication away from our self / our body wisdom / our authenticity. It is a journey to learn to live a different wayā¦ especially in a culture that is not quite ready to do its own work yet.
Ā 5. The dynamic of a group Guided Meditation is utterly different to a personal one. In your own home, listening to a track and visualizing along with a familiar voice can be utterly empowering. The voice is talking to you, but you are in control. Being in a live room with hundreds of others, led by a person on a platform, who you canāt turn off, slow down or even pause while you really find that comfy position for your own body, or notice as you tune in to your body, you actually need to pee and go do thatā¦is VERY different.
Notice the power imbalance of the live setting, and if you ever feel disempowered – you can take back your power by disengaging. Think about something else. Go to the toilet. Yup. I know… Yes you canā¦ I give you permission, if it is still hard to give it to yourselfā¦ please do what you need to, to honour what your body is telling you. If you are not enjoying it – you can stop trying harder. Disconnect from it, not you. It is not your fault. It is your brilliant wisdom. Feel into your choice to disengage, own it, celebrate it and while it may seem wildly scary the first few timesā¦ you may notice me cheering like a loon for you in the corner of your mindās eye. Itās OK to start to keep yourself safe, and honour your process without blame.
I want to let you know, I was so impressed with the guy who led this experience. He was open and asked for my guidance and help to make it better: safer for everyone, next time. His heart is 100% in the right place – and he is owning that he doesnāt know what he doesnāt know. I love working with people like this. Open, reflective, teachable and willing to change. Whatever platform we have, whatever the size of our audience… our impact will be positive or negative – depending on the amount of safety we create for our customers, our clients, our people.
I know his next time will be saferā¦he may even have more people choose to work with him in future as a result…
But do our agreements still stand ladiesā¦ ?
Further Reading To learn more about how bodies communicate, how Nervous Systems impact everything and how to start implementing the science of safety for your people read GROUNDED. www.groundedbook.net . Itās for everyone who was ever a child.
Claire Wilson is a trauma therapist, behaviour and nervous system specialist with 3 decades of clinical experience. An internationally acclaimed communicator, TEDx speaker, writer and initiative maker. Her book Grounded was the first book published making Polyvagal Theory accessible to normal, non-sciency people, and is now being translated into 6 languages. She is the founder of GROUNDED GrownUpsĀ® and the GROUNDED Parent RetreatĀ®. She maintains a private practice, International coaching community and consultations for parents, charities & business owners to help increase their impact by going beyond trauma-informed to trauma-safe.
A sought-after international specialist, and consistent advocate for the voiceless, Claire has been instrumental in getting the world to be significantly safer for children and adults who have experienced trauma. There is still much to do…
claire@groundedgrownups.comĀ
Apr 27, 2023 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Trauma
Today has been COMPOST DAY.
Finally, I got to a job that has been waiting for a while. Today the various planets aligned:- the weather was dry; Ā my energy level and inclination were primed and yesterdayās computer-heavy day required an outside day today; AND the bees that had taken up residence have finally moved on!
So, I moved compost from my (‘dalek’) bins into the blue broken paddling pool that I bought years ago for my dog. He hated it, he was all about real water ā lakes, streams, sea, pondsā¦ not small plastic apple-shaped ridiculousness. Well, I love a good recycle. It makes for the best compost turning container.
And as is my way, amid the physical effort of turning the layers with my gardening fork, watching and chatting to the worms, picking out the sticks that would take the next decade to decompose, there was a lot of awe and wonder.
Awe + Wonder
I am in awe that the ārubbishā, the left overs, the peelings and clippings and cuttings of life can, given the right environment and balance, evolve into black gold…
That the very bits that could so easily be thrown out to fill up landfill, can so easily be kept and save me oodles of Ā£Ā£ not needing to buy compost each year.
And my other ponderings were around the metaphor of it all.
Composting Life
I pondered about the importance of composting the things of life we would otherwise wish to just throw away. The experiences we wish we could discard, disown, distance our very selves from.
All those things stay with us, and whether we like it or not, they affect us. Especially if we think we have put them behind us, got over them, and are OK nowā¦ the chances are, if we havenāt allowed them to settle, to be turned over gently, respectfully, to allow the mess and the impact of it to spill out into a safe container of someone elseās presenceā¦ then we are most likely not as āover itā as we thought.
Impact
The tough stuff of life impacts our nervous system. Itās no surprise ā the thing that we were created with to help us keep ourselves safe, and respond accordingly when we are not, never turned off. It has been witness to it all. All of it. And the surprise comes often to those who donāt realise that our incredible nervous system can get stuck. If we never completed the full process with an event, we never did our composting, then our nervous system is still holding on to it somewhere in our muscles, our breathing, our behaviour, and yes, deep in our subconscious. However old we are, our survival response can so easily become our normalā¦ if we try to by-pass the composting part.
The Most Important Work of All
If you are a parent or work 1:1 with a child in any capacity, then this is really important.
- If you are a school staff member this is really important.
- If you are SLT, or a Head this is super important.
- If you are a therapist working with children this is requisite.
- If you are a Childrenās Guardian this is really important.
- If you are a social worker around children, this is fundamentally important.
It can be really nice to hide ourselves away in the business of childrenās lives when all along we are still running away from the reality and impact of our own. Avoidance. Denial.
Invitation
So my invitation is to get composting. Get a quality containerā¦ a sound, trauma recovery equipped therapist. Get with a trained and qualified professional who truly understands how your brain has changed. Work together with someone who is trained and knowledgeable on how your body has been impacted all these years and what it will take to allow your nervous system to get āunstuckā. Get, or maybeā¦prioritizeā¦ Make time to make it happen.
Because when we have taken the time, made the effort (and my body right now, knows the composting work that went on today absolutely was effort!) and turned the decomposing, smelly, Iād-rather-not-have-to-go-near-that-againā off-cuts of our life into beautiful black gold, they donāt smell any more. They are not icky to touch. We can hold them. Own them. Integrate them. The pain doesnāt crumple us like before. Instead of running away from, distancing ourselves from the memories of it, we now find our selves resourced in a whole new way.
Treasure
A store of good compost is the gardenerās richest treasure. Ā If we want to do anything, grow anything in our life, doing it with our own, well-processed compost, sets us up well for future events. Our healed experiences become part of our wisdom. Our processing in the presence of another equips us for safer relationships to come. Our courage and commitment to our recovery strengthens us. Our body actually becomes stronger when the things that caused stored stress are re-processed, re-formatted and flow is restored again to our system. Ā We become a more stable, grounded, resourced, understanding and insightful part of the future. And if we are around childrenā¦ they are way more likely to sense us as safe to them. If we choose to be around hurting children, then the amount of our own composting we have done/continue to do, means our very body and our essence is a beacon of authentic hope to theirs. A promise. We can become a light in the darknessā¦
Jan 13, 2023 | Emotional Wellbeing, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, Sleep, Trauma, Uncategorized
When your area of specialism is trauma and bodies, you know it, spot it happening for others even when they might not realise it themselves. Trauma happens in all sorts of ways, and this is a common one that has impacted so many dog owners. If we don’t recognise our experience as traumatic (if it actually was), then it is harder to process and the impact of this time can linger in our heart, our nervous system, and wider body for a long time. I wrote this for a special someone I know… I’m sharing it here in case it helps you too.Ā
Dear You
I am thinking of you. I am so sorry you are having to walk through such a tough time at the moment, and just when it seemed like things finally were feeling lighter for you. There is something I want desperately to say to you, but I know right now in these first few stunned hours, you will probably not want to hear it, be able to process it or even have any inclination to spend time connecting with me. Today you need your own time and you need to be uninterrupted by other peoples’ thoughts…so I will message you simply that I am thinking of you. I will write out what my heart is holding for you here, and maybe when you are ready for this you can come to it in your own time.
Other People
You know, people will say all sorts of things to you now. Things that you may or may not find helpful to receive. Please remember, so often they are speaking from their own needs. They care about you, they mean well, but they will tell you the things they need to hear, the things that they are comforting themselves with. If what you hear helps – great. IF what you hear doesn’t help or support you – no worries.
One thing you may hear directly or maybe just implied…
many other people have been through what you are going through…Ā
orĀ
Ā I understand exactly what you are going through…
and hereās what I want to say to you.
You are unique
They have not and cannot understand exactly what you are going through. You are unique. As are they. Their life is, was, has been different to yours. Their personality, their way of coping, their hopes, dreams, their connections all different to yours…. the details of how this unfolded… and their relationship with their dog was different to yours too.
You have your own treasured moments, memories that will, in time (and it may be a long time), be a solace… but for now you are alone in the uniqueness of your grief and I want you to know I understand that. It is horrible and it is so hard. It may feel too much – or numbly nothing right now. You are still seen, and respected, and supported. The process you are in now and the one you will be going through (as it does change) for a while… are honoured by me.
Trauma
Many people realise that hearing unexpected tragic news about your dog is devastating… and especially when it comes as a surprise, after so many other vets have said there is nothing really wrong. Not many people realise it is often, actually traumatic. Professionally, I know when to use that word accurately, and last week was one of them. From now on, when you consider the traumatic things that have happened in your life, hearing that news just a few days ago needs to be on the list. It will have changed you – not just your heart but your body, your nervous system… and now… there is grief too.
Here is something people often forget. Trauma and grief are different. We can go through trauma without grief. Sometimes we experience grief without trauma. They are different things, impact us differently and need different things to help us recover. Sometimes we experience them together. They enmesh, yet are still different.
Your Body
The one thing I know to be helpful at times like this is to let your body lead you. Cry when you need to without any need to hide or apologize to anyone or even yourself. If there are no tears right now, make no apologies for that either. There are no āought’s and ‘should’s at the moment. Sleep when you can whatever time of day it happens. Eat whatever you want when you can – it doesnāt matter what it is… just something to keep your blood levels steady and your body’s cells resourced to help you through this life-altering time. Drink water.
Be around whoever you want to be around… and leave when you want. Speak to whoever or no one. You get to call the shots right now and you have people around you who will respect that (even if they donāt fully understand- see my point above, they will be expecting you or advising you to do or be how they would or want you to.)
You have permission to be however you need to be. Today. Tomorrow and for days to come. You are loved. Your journey is yours.
Unspeakable Treasure
The dynamics of connection, belonging, understanding, acceptance, knowing, fun, partnership, responsibility, trust and meaning that happen when there is a precious bond between a human and a dog are just some of the facets of the treasure life was with them. You will know, it is hard to put it into words. The hole of their absence is also indescribable.
Life has been interrupted again. It will never get back to ānormalā because your precious one is forever gone. There will be different life… eventually…. if you let you take your time… your body can recover… one day there will be ‘ok’.
In the meantime… you know where I am. x
written by Claire Wilson for someone special… and everyone.
Claire is a Trauma therapist. A dog lover who lived through both trauma and grief with her furry one.
The author of Grounded, TEDx speaker and the Founder of GROUNDED GrownUpsĀ®
