Aug 10, 2024 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Food, GROUNDED, Health, Play Therapy, Resources, Sleep, Trauma
PARENTS / CARERS – Someone in your house not finding it easy to get to the Land of Nod without a big battle or tears, a pa-lava or endless requests that are really avoidant distractions?
I want to help you. Because I know this situation can change for you and yours, like it has for so many.
There are certain things that I have been through with every parent I have supported with exactly this. And my approach is NOT your common – sleep management techniques you may see on the TV! 
Sleep struggles are an opportunity to actually bring you closer together with your child… if you know how.
This is an online guide you can read or listen to – I put it together for you… I know it will help. In fact imagining how you and your child will feel, when some of the sections are used by you in your child’s room actually makes me well up. šš
The sleep code for your child that feels impossible right now, IS crack-able… let’s do it together.
Inside your online resource we’ll explore together:-
- the 3 common factors that fuel sleep struggles
- we’ll get you equipped to end the battles at bedtime
- we’ll help your child through any bedroom fears
- we’ll also explore how trauma impacts sleep and how to sensitively support
- AND… I’ll let you in on the top secret that is NEVER mentioned in mainstream sleep stuff – but has been gold for most of the situations I’ve helped so far…
AS a BONUS you will also get detailed coaching and some downloads to keep forever, around my top 2 most effective breakthrough conversations that are pure magic to bring you closer to your child. I can’t wait for you to have these – infact imagining the impact of you using them with your child in their bedroom, makes me well up.
Your child will be glad you got this. š
Who is Claire Wilson?
Ā Claire is an expert in childrenās mental health, a qualified and experienced trauma specialist.
– She is also a qualified teacher and Clinical Supervisor
– and an experienced childrenās therapist working for over 12 years, often with cases that CAMHS were unable to help.
– She has been a Behaviour Consultant and Therapeutic Adviser to primary schools for over 9 years.
– Her book GROUNDED : Discovering the Missing Piece in the Puzzle of Childrenās Behaviour is on itās forth print run and has been hailed a āmust-readā by parents, teachers and therapists in over 28 countries. It is currently being translated into 6 languages.
– The impact of her TEDx Talk on Childrenās Mental health has also brought hope and insight to parents and school staff around the world.
– She is a regular guest on international summits and podcasts and was recently the only British person, included in the line-up of world-experts who were interviewed in the recent international summit for parent, teachers and therapists of Bright & Quirky kidsā¦ for many parents her talk (out of 22) was their favourite.
– One of her gifts is being able to make complex things understandable… and helping adults ‘get’ children, and children feel ‘got’ by their special adults, is one of the things that makes her really smile.
Aug 1, 2024 | Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, Sleep, Trauma
I wrote this in September 2021. It was sent to the readers of the CHEW emails… but in marking the 3 year anniversary, it feels like time to share it with the wider world… in case it helps. x
Year of the Dog
I know it has been a long while sine I last wrote. 2021 for me became the Year of the Dog. My dog. My Hinton. He was given an unexpected diagnosis of cancer back in January and only days or maybe weeks to live. Life went on hold while I focused on supporting him and healing from the shock of the newsā¦ it was in every sense traumatic.
Incredibly he made it to July, got to celebrate his 6th birthday and we made yet more incredible memories before we said goodbye at the end of the month. He was woven into every piece of my life ā personal and professional. The presence of his absence is huge.
Some people post to Social Media straight away. I couldnāt. It was too painful, too private. It has taken me this long into my own grieving process to be ready and able to let you know heās gone.
A True Story
I was sitting beside a small, working harbour one afternoon in August. I had gone away with a friend for a while. I needed to see the sea. Still exhausted from 8 months of interrupted sleep caring for him, as well as the weight and energy the initial phase of grieving was taking, I was happy to just sit and watch the world carry on. Seagulls swooped. Tourists swung lines for crabs. Locals sat outside their favourite bars and cafes, and the sun was shining. I felt the gentle breeze on my face. I could smell the nourishing elixir of sea-salt air. I was hearing all the noises and none of them. My eyes settled on one of the boats in the harbour in front of me.
The tide was out and I could see it all. It was exposed. Bereft. Vulnerable. Itās buoyancy had gone. The thing that surrounded and brought it life was gone. This fishing boat was stuck ā and stuck on a severe tilt. The single keel was firmly embedded in the soft mud and a few strings of bright green seaweed were caught against it. As I looked at this boat ā such a common sight in the everydayness of life in that part of the world – I saw myself.
āI feel like that.ā I said to my friend sat silently on the bench with me. āThat boat feels like a metaphor for me right now.ā
āEh?ā
āI feel stuck and like the thing that was giving me life has goneā¦ and I have absolutely no idea when it will be back. Iām not stable and upright ā Iām not safe for other people to come and clamber into my space at the moment.ā
āAah, I see. Thatās pretty profound.ā
āWell, thatās how I feel.ā It didnāt feel profound to me ā I trained as a creative arts therapist and learnt the language and power of metaphor many, many years ago.
We continued starring at this boat among many ā some more balanced with double keels, others smaller and without any keel, so not on such a great angle.
All āmyā boat could do was wait. Just be. Just ābeā stuck. āBeā without the life giving energy it needed to do itās jobā¦ or do anything. āBeā on its angle so others couldnāt clamber on board. Just be. I took a breath as I identified with the need for yet more ābeingā for me. I had little energy to do anything else. It was OK to wait with my boat.
Trickle
And then some truth trickled in. At some pointā¦ not knowing when, slowly and gently, that boat would rise again. Life would come back again. Gradually. Buoyancy and function and balance and movement. There would be more stories for this boatā¦ at some point. Although it seemed impossible to imagine that for me at that moment, I tentatively held on to the truth that the sea would come backā¦ at some point. At some point the boat would rise again.
A few weeks on and that metaphor is still a powerful one for me. Metaphors ā when they resonate with our subconscious ARE powerful. They help us see our present more clearly. They can bring us clarity and new perspective on the future.
And we donāt have to be in a place of deep pain or significant life change to benefitā¦. We just have to be willing to be open and honest enough to ask the question ā what does my life feel like right now? Sometimes the answer comes from inside, or like meā¦ you could be staring at it.
Take care of you and those around you.
Cx
Claire WilsonĀ is a trauma therapist, behaviour and nervous system specialist with 3 decades of clinical experience. An internationally acclaimed communicator, TEDx speaker, writer and initiative maker. Her book Grounded was the first book published making Polyvagal Theory accessible to normal, non-sciency people, and is now being translated into 6 languages. She is the founder of GROUNDED GrownUpsĀ® and the GROUNDED Parent RetreatĀ®. She maintains a private practice, International coaching community and consultations for parents, charities & business owners to help increase their impact by going beyond trauma-informed to trauma-safe.
A sought-after international specialist, and consistent advocate for the voiceless, Claire has been instrumental in getting the world to be significantly safer for children and adults who have experienced trauma. There is still much to doā¦
claire@groundedgrownups.com
Apr 27, 2023 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Trauma
Today has been COMPOST DAY.
Finally, I got to a job that has been waiting for a while. Today the various planets aligned:- the weather was dry; Ā my energy level and inclination were primed and yesterdayās computer-heavy day required an outside day today; AND the bees that had taken up residence have finally moved on!
So, I moved compost from my (‘dalek’) bins into the blue broken paddling pool that I bought years ago for my dog. He hated it, he was all about real water ā lakes, streams, sea, pondsā¦ not small plastic apple-shaped ridiculousness. Well, I love a good recycle. It makes for the best compost turning container.
And as is my way, amid the physical effort of turning the layers with my gardening fork, watching and chatting to the worms, picking out the sticks that would take the next decade to decompose, there was a lot of awe and wonder.
Awe + Wonder
I am in awe that the ārubbishā, the left overs, the peelings and clippings and cuttings of life can, given the right environment and balance, evolve into black gold…
That the very bits that could so easily be thrown out to fill up landfill, can so easily be kept and save me oodles of Ā£Ā£ not needing to buy compost each year.
And my other ponderings were around the metaphor of it all.
Composting Life
I pondered about the importance of composting the things of life we would otherwise wish to just throw away. The experiences we wish we could discard, disown, distance our very selves from.
All those things stay with us, and whether we like it or not, they affect us. Especially if we think we have put them behind us, got over them, and are OK nowā¦ the chances are, if we havenāt allowed them to settle, to be turned over gently, respectfully, to allow the mess and the impact of it to spill out into a safe container of someone elseās presenceā¦ then we are most likely not as āover itā as we thought.
Impact
The tough stuff of life impacts our nervous system. Itās no surprise ā the thing that we were created with to help us keep ourselves safe, and respond accordingly when we are not, never turned off. It has been witness to it all. All of it. And the surprise comes often to those who donāt realise that our incredible nervous system can get stuck. If we never completed the full process with an event, we never did our composting, then our nervous system is still holding on to it somewhere in our muscles, our breathing, our behaviour, and yes, deep in our subconscious. However old we are, our survival response can so easily become our normalā¦ if we try to by-pass the composting part.
The Most Important Work of All
If you are a parent or work 1:1 with a child in any capacity, then this is really important.
- If you are a school staff member this is really important.
- If you are SLT, or a Head this is super important.
- If you are a therapist working with children this is requisite.
- If you are a Childrenās Guardian this is really important.
- If you are a social worker around children, this is fundamentally important.
It can be really nice to hide ourselves away in the business of childrenās lives when all along we are still running away from the reality and impact of our own. Avoidance. Denial.
Invitation
So my invitation is to get composting. Get a quality containerā¦ a sound, trauma recovery equipped therapist. Get with a trained and qualified professional who truly understands how your brain has changed. Work together with someone who is trained and knowledgeable on how your body has been impacted all these years and what it will take to allow your nervous system to get āunstuckā. Get, or maybeā¦prioritizeā¦ Make time to make it happen.
Because when we have taken the time, made the effort (and my body right now, knows the composting work that went on today absolutely was effort!) and turned the decomposing, smelly, Iād-rather-not-have-to-go-near-that-againā off-cuts of our life into beautiful black gold, they donāt smell any more. They are not icky to touch. We can hold them. Own them. Integrate them. The pain doesnāt crumple us like before. Instead of running away from, distancing ourselves from the memories of it, we now find our selves resourced in a whole new way.
Treasure
A store of good compost is the gardenerās richest treasure. Ā If we want to do anything, grow anything in our life, doing it with our own, well-processed compost, sets us up well for future events. Our healed experiences become part of our wisdom. Our processing in the presence of another equips us for safer relationships to come. Our courage and commitment to our recovery strengthens us. Our body actually becomes stronger when the things that caused stored stress are re-processed, re-formatted and flow is restored again to our system. Ā We become a more stable, grounded, resourced, understanding and insightful part of the future. And if we are around childrenā¦ they are way more likely to sense us as safe to them. If we choose to be around hurting children, then the amount of our own composting we have done/continue to do, means our very body and our essence is a beacon of authentic hope to theirs. A promise. We can become a light in the darknessā¦
Mar 15, 2020 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Sleep, Trauma, Uncategorized
Fresh Insights on Corona Virus : What we can learn about ourselves and othersTelling someone who is scared not to be is about as supportive and effective as telling someone who is ranting to calm down.
It doesnāt work. It doesnāt help.
The thing about a big event like this pandemic is that it affects us. It restricts us. This invisible ‘thing’ is now the reason we cannot do what we want to do. We cannot live the way we want to. We cannot travel. We cannot work. We cannot go visit our family who may be sick. Even if we are not feeling the physical effects of the virus, many of us are feeling our lives be curtailed by this thing we didnāt see coming.
Some of us are ok with it.
Being calm is easy. Empathy abounds. We have no problem seeing ourselves as a significant member of our national / global community. We are flexible, resourceful, creative. Being logical is no big deal.
But for some of us it can leave us feeling overwhelmed. Feeling small. Feeling powerless.
And if there is any event back in the earlier pages of our life story where something happened that had us feeling these same feelings; small, overwhelmed, dis-empowered, then our current reality may well be accompanied by the music of that time. Our body instinctively moving the same dance: muscles extra tight. Our heart rate elevated. Our breathing quicker and our view of the world the same : not a happy or safe place to be. We have to give in. We want to hide.
We want to whisper āplease donāt tell me to stop feeling scared. You have no idea of the nightmares that have been triggered in me. My body remembersā¦ This is how things are. We are being overwhelmed by this āthingā. We canāt get away… itās out to get us and it will. Thatās just how it is.ā
And for some of us it can leave us feeling on edge. Anxious. Wondering what is coming next. Waiting for the inevitable… next.
Because if there are moments, even far back in our story, where we lived this way before, where we were used to being on the look-out, waiting, anticipating the next bad thing to happen… we learnt that there is ā¦. alwaysā¦ a nextā¦ And those harmonies will accompany our current experience. And our body will start that dance again… tight muscles, sweaty palms, racing thoughts, butterflies in the tummy and hyper-focusing on every detail of what is going on around us…
We want to beg ādonāt tell me to not worry. Donāt tell me Itās nothing. I am scared, and my body remembers. I am at the mercy of this invisible force out to hurt us all. I need to watch its every move. Need to keep moving. To duck and dive, to run. I can smell it coming… my nightmares have begun again.ā
And for some of us it can leave us feeling annoyed. Feeling angry. Feeling disrespected.
The echoes of not being noticed, not being honoured, from times gone by now pumping their revengeful war-dance through our entire system. We want to shout āI will not be pushed around! I will not be dwarfed and belittled by this force. I will defend myself. Defend my rights. I will survive. I will do what it takes and keep moving. I am full of energy and I will shop and travel and keep living MY life on MY terms. I will make sure I am the bigger one this time! I cannot, will not, allow myself to do otherwise.ā
You see for most of us right now – trying to be logical and explain facts will not help. We live from our nervous system state and if our body has us in a defense state (mobilise or shut down) then it is impossible to truly hear and comprehend facts. It is impossible to discern truth from hype. It is impossible for your brain to calm your body when your body memories have been a-woken and are screaming messages of un-safety at your brain.
So What CAN We Do now?
Let us not tell each other to calm down ā but letās lead ourselves. Let us be the change we want to see.
It is for each of us to really pay honest attention to our own response to this situation and extend ourselves someĀ compassion and permissionĀ to listen to the music we are hearing. To listen out for the internal strains ofĀ fear, overwhelm, or defianceā¦ To notice the dance we are doing in our body and quietly ask ourselves when we learnt those steps?
To consider what this experience reminds me of?
To pay attention to ourselves in a new and gentle way.
Because the truth is – it is unlikely we have actually lived this exact situation before.
The truth is that it justĀ feels likeĀ we are unsafe now the way we were unsafe in the past…
So now
Now we canĀ notice ourselves and our body.
Now we canĀ move ā our arms and legs, we can get up, we can move from room to room, into the garden, or outside.
Now we canĀ acknowledge the pent-up energy in our body and express it safely, or honour it and soothe it.
Now we canĀ choose what we will focus on. We can listen to the story our body is singing and see where we may still need to befriend ourselves, to heal and to grow in order to bring that old music to a close.
Now we canĀ reach out and connect with others who are safe for us. We can use technology and still benefit from their calming smile, their twinkly eyes, their soothing, honouring, respectful presence, and their ability to help us giggle our way to safety, and find logic and perspective again.
And when we are brought into a state of safety within, then and ONLY then,Ā we can intentionally chooseĀ our own response to the way our life is being altered and find the good in it, the things we can be grateful for, the space, the time, the peace, the spontaneous fun.
Sep 27, 2018 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Play Therapy, Real Life Stories, Resources, School, Trauma, TRE, Uncategorized
More than CPD In June last year (2017) I was in London for a few days. I was there to be part of a specialist training for further enhancing my skills and credentials of working with trauma and the body – with children. I was excited about the training – in fact I heard from the organiser I was the first one booked on it. However, as I look back, those days mean even more to me now.
I arrived the afternoon before and met some of the other participants (from all over the world) for a meal. When walking back from that meal, we passed this march… You may/may not remember that that was a few days after the horrific fire at Grenfell Tower – just down the road from where we were staying.
I will never forget the energy of that moment… we stopped still and honoured those that marched past – the survivors… their anger, their grief, their fight, their trauma and I felt I became part of that moment, honouring them all, and those who were impacted by the trauma of the fire.
Over the years I have learnt so much about trauma. About how it can change people, the elements needed to heal from it, that it can change the course of your life, but doesn’t have to be a life sentence. About how brains and bodies change. About the hope there is.
At the end of the training days, when we sat in a big circle in a closing activity, I remember talking about Grenfell and committing myself to do my part to contribute to changing society views around trauma, and those who have experienced it.
What you wont know, is that just before that course, a few hours before that meal, and a few hours before witnessing that march I had pulled out my iPad in my hotel room in London and started writing… my book.
Catalyst for Good
Grenfell had had an impact on me – as my car crash had years before – that same ‘you never really know when your time is up’.
I didn’t want my time to be up without passing on some of the things I have learnt over 25 years working with and around children and families. Things I have learnt and researched and seen in action about what it really takes to bring the best out in children – trauma or not. Things that are not common knowledge…yet. That would be a waste. Grenfell was my catalyst to stop procrastinating and start using my voice. It was time to start getting what was in me out.
The Book
GROUNDED is a book that has come from over 25 years of working with and around children. Insight from years as a teacher, an accredited play therapist, a clinical supervisor, a therapeutic adviser to schools and families – and a trauma specialist still helping people of all ages heal from the impact of their experiences.
It is a book that is relatable to teachers, parents, TAs, grandparents, aunts and uncles, football coaches and Scout leaders. It is packed with current neuroscience and everyday stories that make it all so easy to read and understand. It is a book that advocates for children – and has a message they often can’t speak for themselves. It is a book for all adults who want to be the best they can be for the kids they know. It is a book with a message and a mission. It is a book of hope.
GROUNDED is a book that is endorsed by teachers, Heads, parents, grandparents, play therapists, psychotherapists, international trauma specialists and world leading neuro-scientists.
It is done. GROUNDED is out.
There is a lot more I could say about the book, but I wanted to let you know some of the story of where it came from.
Now I want to share it with you all, with gratitude, as you have felt like part of the team that has helped bring it to birth.
Jan 23, 2018 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, School, Trauma, Uncategorized
I got an incredible opportunity to speak to a packed room of health-interested adults last week. They were healers, helpers, educators and ‘advocates for health’ in professional roles as well as everyday life-role-models.Ā I was sharing a bit of my story – my experience of Integrative or Functional Medicine, and encouraging others to listen to the story their body was telling.
It was one of those days I will never forget… and particularly because next on the stage after me was one of my modern-day heros; Dr Rangan Chatterjee. You may have seen him on the TV, he is the Doctor in BBC’s Doctor in the House series. He is also a familiar face on newsy chat shows on both TV and Radio. He has a brilliant book out – The 4 Pillar Plan and he is trying to shake things up from the inside of the NHS – why?
Because he cares about his clients.
He actually wants to help people get better, live better and live in greater health… not just ‘managing symptoms with another pill’.
He is risking sticking his head above the parapet, committing his time to the demands of TV series (I was shocked how much time these series take!), because he is committed to getting the message of true health out with the platform he has been given. I resonate. Not the TV thing, obviously – just feeling the challenge of choosing to be different and challenge the status quo – because I care.
Ā
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ONE thing he said REALLY struck me – because it is relevant to the people I spend my time with.
Dr Chatterjee told a story of how one of his medical colleagues asked him (with incredulity) how he gets people (his regular patients in his GP practice – not the TV ones) to actually listen and do the things he suggests. Giving peopleĀ recommendations for how they can bring their blood sugar levels down, increase their energy, decrease the vast array of symptoms from elevated cortisol levels etc. are easy to suggest, and for the patient easy to do and easy NOT to do. How is it that Dr Chatterjee’s patients are creating book-fulls of stories of incredible drug-free life improvements from doing the simple things he suggests?
Dr Chatterjee’s response was this: ‘In my opinion, as health professionals, the biggest tool we need to have is an ability to communicate.Ā The question is really can you communicate and really connect with the person in front of you?’Ā Ā
I loved that answer. It is so totally true. It is true in the classroom, it is true in the playground and it is true in a family home.Ā If we care about people and have ways to help them grow and develop and flourish, then we have to prioritiseĀ making sure we CONNECT with them, before we try and share any of the good stuff.
Ā
How do you know if you really connect with your clients, your patients, your pupils, your children?
And here’s the kicker. In a school, home or office getting people to just do what you say does not mean you have connected. Ask anyone who feels like they work for or live with a mini-dictator!!’ One of the survival responses closely related to the well-known ‘freeze’ is submit – appeasement. It is in operation so much in schools – and some homes. Dr Chatterjee does not have a power relationship with his patients. They are totally at liberty to walk out of his surgery and ignore everything he says, and maybe some do. But the majority don’t.
Ā
If you really connect then you will have people actually wanting to do the thing you suggest for them, because they know it comes from you genuinely respecting them, wanting the best for them, because they like you and because they trust you.
Ā
It is an important reminder for us all. Whatever our sphere of influence, are we connecting with those in our care? Are we growing relationships of trust and mutual respect? Do we honour those we work with, whatever their age?
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TRUTH
The level to which we develop our communication skills and find ways to effectively, authentically connect with those we work with, will be the level of our professional influence. If we have any ambition to make a difference to others, or maybe even want to change the world, one star-fish at a time, we need to startĀ withĀ genuine, authentic connection.
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