Aug 10, 2024 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Food, GROUNDED, Health, Play Therapy, Resources, Sleep, Trauma
PARENTS / CARERS – Someone in your house not finding it easy to get to the Land of Nod without a big battle or tears, a pa-lava or endless requests that are really avoidant distractions?
I want to help you. Because I know this situation can change for you and yours, like it has for so many.
There are certain things that I have been through with every parent I have supported with exactly this. And my approach is NOT your common – sleep management techniques you may see on the TV! 
Sleep struggles are an opportunity to actually bring you closer together with your child… if you know how.
This is an online guide you can read or listen to – I put it together for you… I know it will help. In fact imagining how you and your child will feel, when some of the sections are used by you in your child’s room actually makes me well up. đđ
The sleep code for your child that feels impossible right now, IS crack-able… let’s do it together.
Inside your online resource we’ll explore together:-
- the 3 common factors that fuel sleep struggles
- we’ll get you equipped to end the battles at bedtime
- we’ll help your child through any bedroom fears
- we’ll also explore how trauma impacts sleep and how to sensitively support
- AND… I’ll let you in on the top secret that is NEVER mentioned in mainstream sleep stuff – but has been gold for most of the situations I’ve helped so far…
AS a BONUS you will also get detailed coaching and some downloads to keep forever, around my top 2 most effective breakthrough conversations that are pure magic to bring you closer to your child. I can’t wait for you to have these – infact imagining the impact of you using them with your child in their bedroom, makes me well up.
Your child will be glad you got this. đ
Who is Claire Wilson?
 Claire is an expert in childrenâs mental health, a qualified and experienced trauma specialist.
– She is also a qualified teacher and Clinical Supervisor
– and an experienced childrenâs therapist working for over 12 years, often with cases that CAMHS were unable to help.
– She has been a Behaviour Consultant and Therapeutic Adviser to primary schools for over 9 years.
– Her book GROUNDED : Discovering the Missing Piece in the Puzzle of Childrenâs Behaviour is on itâs forth print run and has been hailed a âmust-readâ by parents, teachers and therapists in over 28 countries. It is currently being translated into 6 languages.
– The impact of her TEDx Talk on Childrenâs Mental health has also brought hope and insight to parents and school staff around the world.
– She is a regular guest on international summits and podcasts and was recently the only British person, included in the line-up of world-experts who were interviewed in the recent international summit for parent, teachers and therapists of Bright & Quirky kids⊠for many parents her talk (out of 22) was their favourite.
– One of her gifts is being able to make complex things understandable… and helping adults ‘get’ children, and children feel ‘got’ by their special adults, is one of the things that makes her really smile.
Aug 1, 2024 | Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, Sleep, Trauma
I wrote this in September 2021. It was sent to the readers of the CHEW emails… but in marking the 3 year anniversary, it feels like time to share it with the wider world… in case it helps. x
Year of the Dog
I know it has been a long while sine I last wrote. 2021 for me became the Year of the Dog. My dog. My Hinton. He was given an unexpected diagnosis of cancer back in January and only days or maybe weeks to live. Life went on hold while I focused on supporting him and healing from the shock of the news⊠it was in every sense traumatic.
Incredibly he made it to July, got to celebrate his 6th birthday and we made yet more incredible memories before we said goodbye at the end of the month. He was woven into every piece of my life â personal and professional. The presence of his absence is huge.
Some people post to Social Media straight away. I couldnât. It was too painful, too private. It has taken me this long into my own grieving process to be ready and able to let you know heâs gone.
A True Story
I was sitting beside a small, working harbour one afternoon in August. I had gone away with a friend for a while. I needed to see the sea. Still exhausted from 8 months of interrupted sleep caring for him, as well as the weight and energy the initial phase of grieving was taking, I was happy to just sit and watch the world carry on. Seagulls swooped. Tourists swung lines for crabs. Locals sat outside their favourite bars and cafes, and the sun was shining. I felt the gentle breeze on my face. I could smell the nourishing elixir of sea-salt air. I was hearing all the noises and none of them. My eyes settled on one of the boats in the harbour in front of me.
The tide was out and I could see it all. It was exposed. Bereft. Vulnerable. Itâs buoyancy had gone. The thing that surrounded and brought it life was gone. This fishing boat was stuck â and stuck on a severe tilt. The single keel was firmly embedded in the soft mud and a few strings of bright green seaweed were caught against it. As I looked at this boat â such a common sight in the everydayness of life in that part of the world – I saw myself.
âI feel like that.â I said to my friend sat silently on the bench with me. âThat boat feels like a metaphor for me right now.â
âEh?â
âI feel stuck and like the thing that was giving me life has gone⊠and I have absolutely no idea when it will be back. Iâm not stable and upright â Iâm not safe for other people to come and clamber into my space at the moment.â
âAah, I see. Thatâs pretty profound.â
âWell, thatâs how I feel.â It didnât feel profound to me â I trained as a creative arts therapist and learnt the language and power of metaphor many, many years ago.
We continued starring at this boat among many â some more balanced with double keels, others smaller and without any keel, so not on such a great angle.
All âmyâ boat could do was wait. Just be. Just âbeâ stuck. âBeâ without the life giving energy it needed to do itâs job⊠or do anything. âBeâ on its angle so others couldnât clamber on board. Just be. I took a breath as I identified with the need for yet more âbeingâ for me. I had little energy to do anything else. It was OK to wait with my boat.
Trickle
And then some truth trickled in. At some point⊠not knowing when, slowly and gently, that boat would rise again. Life would come back again. Gradually. Buoyancy and function and balance and movement. There would be more stories for this boat⊠at some point. Although it seemed impossible to imagine that for me at that moment, I tentatively held on to the truth that the sea would come back⊠at some point. At some point the boat would rise again.
A few weeks on and that metaphor is still a powerful one for me. Metaphors â when they resonate with our subconscious ARE powerful. They help us see our present more clearly. They can bring us clarity and new perspective on the future.
And we donât have to be in a place of deep pain or significant life change to benefitâŠ. We just have to be willing to be open and honest enough to ask the question â what does my life feel like right now? Sometimes the answer comes from inside, or like me⊠you could be staring at it.
Take care of you and those around you.
Cx
Claire Wilson is a trauma therapist, behaviour and nervous system specialist with 3 decades of clinical experience. An internationally acclaimed communicator, TEDx speaker, writer and initiative maker. Her book Grounded was the first book published making Polyvagal Theory accessible to normal, non-sciency people, and is now being translated into 6 languages. She is the founder of GROUNDED GrownUpsŸ and the GROUNDED Parent RetreatŸ. She maintains a private practice, International coaching community and consultations for parents, charities & business owners to help increase their impact by going beyond trauma-informed to trauma-safe.
A sought-after international specialist, and consistent advocate for the voiceless, Claire has been instrumental in getting the world to be significantly safer for children and adults who have experienced trauma. There is still much to doâŠ
claire@groundedgrownups.com
Jan 13, 2023 | Emotional Wellbeing, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, Sleep, Trauma, Uncategorized
When your area of specialism is trauma and bodies, you know it, spot it happening for others even when they might not realise it themselves. Trauma happens in all sorts of ways, and this is a common one that has impacted so many dog owners. If we don’t recognise our experience as traumatic (if it actually was), then it is harder to process and the impact of this time can linger in our heart, our nervous system, and wider body for a long time. I wrote this for a special someone I know… I’m sharing it here in case it helps you too.Â
Dear You
I am thinking of you. I am so sorry you are having to walk through such a tough time at the moment, and just when it seemed like things finally were feeling lighter for you. There is something I want desperately to say to you, but I know right now in these first few stunned hours, you will probably not want to hear it, be able to process it or even have any inclination to spend time connecting with me. Today you need your own time and you need to be uninterrupted by other peoples’ thoughts…so I will message you simply that I am thinking of you. I will write out what my heart is holding for you here, and maybe when you are ready for this you can come to it in your own time.
Other People
You know, people will say all sorts of things to you now. Things that you may or may not find helpful to receive. Please remember, so often they are speaking from their own needs. They care about you, they mean well, but they will tell you the things they need to hear, the things that they are comforting themselves with. If what you hear helps – great. IF what you hear doesn’t help or support you – no worries.
One thing you may hear directly or maybe just implied…
many other people have been through what you are going through…Â
orÂ
 I understand exactly what you are going through…
and hereâs what I want to say to you.
You are unique
They have not and cannot understand exactly what you are going through. You are unique. As are they. Their life is, was, has been different to yours. Their personality, their way of coping, their hopes, dreams, their connections all different to yours…. the details of how this unfolded… and their relationship with their dog was different to yours too.
You have your own treasured moments, memories that will, in time (and it may be a long time), be a solace… but for now you are alone in the uniqueness of your grief and I want you to know I understand that. It is horrible and it is so hard. It may feel too much – or numbly nothing right now. You are still seen, and respected, and supported. The process you are in now and the one you will be going through (as it does change) for a while… are honoured by me.
Trauma
Many people realise that hearing unexpected tragic news about your dog is devastating… and especially when it comes as a surprise, after so many other vets have said there is nothing really wrong. Not many people realise it is often, actually traumatic. Professionally, I know when to use that word accurately, and last week was one of them. From now on, when you consider the traumatic things that have happened in your life, hearing that news just a few days ago needs to be on the list. It will have changed you – not just your heart but your body, your nervous system… and now… there is grief too.
Here is something people often forget. Trauma and grief are different. We can go through trauma without grief. Sometimes we experience grief without trauma. They are different things, impact us differently and need different things to help us recover. Sometimes we experience them together. They enmesh, yet are still different.
Your Body
The one thing I know to be helpful at times like this is to let your body lead you. Cry when you need to without any need to hide or apologize to anyone or even yourself. If there are no tears right now, make no apologies for that either. There are no âought’s and ‘should’s at the moment. Sleep when you can whatever time of day it happens. Eat whatever you want when you can – it doesnât matter what it is… just something to keep your blood levels steady and your body’s cells resourced to help you through this life-altering time. Drink water.
Be around whoever you want to be around… and leave when you want. Speak to whoever or no one. You get to call the shots right now and you have people around you who will respect that (even if they donât fully understand- see my point above, they will be expecting you or advising you to do or be how they would or want you to.)
You have permission to be however you need to be. Today. Tomorrow and for days to come. You are loved. Your journey is yours.
Unspeakable Treasure
The dynamics of connection, belonging, understanding, acceptance, knowing, fun, partnership, responsibility, trust and meaning that happen when there is a precious bond between a human and a dog are just some of the facets of the treasure life was with them. You will know, it is hard to put it into words. The hole of their absence is also indescribable.
Life has been interrupted again. It will never get back to ânormalâ because your precious one is forever gone. There will be different life… eventually…. if you let you take your time… your body can recover… one day there will be ‘ok’.
In the meantime… you know where I am. x
written by Claire Wilson for someone special… and everyone.
Claire is a Trauma therapist. A dog lover who lived through both trauma and grief with her furry one.
The author of Grounded, TEDx speaker and the Founder of GROUNDED GrownUpsÂź
Mar 15, 2020 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Sleep, Trauma, Uncategorized
Fresh Insights on Corona Virus : What we can learn about ourselves and othersTelling someone who is scared not to be is about as supportive and effective as telling someone who is ranting to calm down.
It doesnât work. It doesnât help.
The thing about a big event like this pandemic is that it affects us. It restricts us. This invisible ‘thing’ is now the reason we cannot do what we want to do. We cannot live the way we want to. We cannot travel. We cannot work. We cannot go visit our family who may be sick. Even if we are not feeling the physical effects of the virus, many of us are feeling our lives be curtailed by this thing we didnât see coming.
Some of us are ok with it.
Being calm is easy. Empathy abounds. We have no problem seeing ourselves as a significant member of our national / global community. We are flexible, resourceful, creative. Being logical is no big deal.
But for some of us it can leave us feeling overwhelmed. Feeling small. Feeling powerless.
And if there is any event back in the earlier pages of our life story where something happened that had us feeling these same feelings; small, overwhelmed, dis-empowered, then our current reality may well be accompanied by the music of that time. Our body instinctively moving the same dance: muscles extra tight. Our heart rate elevated. Our breathing quicker and our view of the world the same : not a happy or safe place to be. We have to give in. We want to hide.
We want to whisper âplease donât tell me to stop feeling scared. You have no idea of the nightmares that have been triggered in me. My body remembers⊠This is how things are. We are being overwhelmed by this âthingâ. We canât get away… itâs out to get us and it will. Thatâs just how it is.â
And for some of us it can leave us feeling on edge. Anxious. Wondering what is coming next. Waiting for the inevitable… next.
Because if there are moments, even far back in our story, where we lived this way before, where we were used to being on the look-out, waiting, anticipating the next bad thing to happen… we learnt that there is âŠ. always⊠a next⊠And those harmonies will accompany our current experience. And our body will start that dance again… tight muscles, sweaty palms, racing thoughts, butterflies in the tummy and hyper-focusing on every detail of what is going on around us…
We want to beg âdonât tell me to not worry. Donât tell me Itâs nothing. I am scared, and my body remembers. I am at the mercy of this invisible force out to hurt us all. I need to watch its every move. Need to keep moving. To duck and dive, to run. I can smell it coming… my nightmares have begun again.â
And for some of us it can leave us feeling annoyed. Feeling angry. Feeling disrespected.
The echoes of not being noticed, not being honoured, from times gone by now pumping their revengeful war-dance through our entire system. We want to shout âI will not be pushed around! I will not be dwarfed and belittled by this force. I will defend myself. Defend my rights. I will survive. I will do what it takes and keep moving. I am full of energy and I will shop and travel and keep living MY life on MY terms. I will make sure I am the bigger one this time! I cannot, will not, allow myself to do otherwise.â
You see for most of us right now – trying to be logical and explain facts will not help. We live from our nervous system state and if our body has us in a defense state (mobilise or shut down) then it is impossible to truly hear and comprehend facts. It is impossible to discern truth from hype. It is impossible for your brain to calm your body when your body memories have been a-woken and are screaming messages of un-safety at your brain.
So What CAN We Do now?
Let us not tell each other to calm down â but letâs lead ourselves. Let us be the change we want to see.
It is for each of us to really pay honest attention to our own response to this situation and extend ourselves some compassion and permission to listen to the music we are hearing. To listen out for the internal strains of fear, overwhelm, or defiance⊠To notice the dance we are doing in our body and quietly ask ourselves when we learnt those steps?
To consider what this experience reminds me of?
To pay attention to ourselves in a new and gentle way.
Because the truth is – it is unlikely we have actually lived this exact situation before.
The truth is that it just feels like we are unsafe now the way we were unsafe in the past…
So now
Now we can notice ourselves and our body.
Now we can move â our arms and legs, we can get up, we can move from room to room, into the garden, or outside.
Now we can acknowledge the pent-up energy in our body and express it safely, or honour it and soothe it.
Now we can choose what we will focus on. We can listen to the story our body is singing and see where we may still need to befriend ourselves, to heal and to grow in order to bring that old music to a close.
Now we can reach out and connect with others who are safe for us. We can use technology and still benefit from their calming smile, their twinkly eyes, their soothing, honouring, respectful presence, and their ability to help us giggle our way to safety, and find logic and perspective again.
And when we are brought into a state of safety within, then and ONLY then, we can intentionally choose our own response to the way our life is being altered and find the good in it, the things we can be grateful for, the space, the time, the peace, the spontaneous fun.
Oct 18, 2017 | Children, Food, Health, Resources, Sleep, Uncategorized
Children are amazing.
They have incredible persistence, creative thinking, problem solving skills and they LOVE tackling a challenge…especially one that adults have failed to conquer. đ
So what?
So, why don’t we remember this when it comes to getting them taking their vitamins?
There is a larger issue at work here, which I need to mention. One of the strands in the current crisis in health care in the western world is dis-empowerment. We have learnt to dis-empower ourselves and give all power to doctors. We have learnt that health means doing what I am told to do. Taking what I’m told to take, regardless of the reasons, regardless of the side effects, regardless of how I feel about it, or want I think about it. This is a very dis-empowered place. It is a very disconnected place. We disconnect from our bodies, and so we disconnect from our ‘selves’.
Now hear me on this. I do NOT think doctors are a waste of time. No. The best doctors are those who empower their patients with understanding and a voice. Sadly many, especially those in General Practice, don’t have time for that, so it comes back to “what’s wrong? Take this pill to feel better.” [Maybe this is a blog for another time, but I see a strong correlation here to the dis-empowered place that we nurture in kids… one which progresses into them being on the playground, club, alley way, or party and are so used to just putting any pill in their mouth when they are told to without question or discernment…]
So what does this have to do with children and vitamins?
If we want to do our own tiny little bit in helping change this and make cultural shift in our own homes, we need to start by helping children connect with their bodies and utilise all their amazingness to empower them to look after their own body.
When it comes to taking off-the-shelf vitamins, children often just do it because they are so laden with sugar that it is effectively like you are asking them to take a sweet daily: no problem! đ   The nutritional integrity of a supplement where the first or second listed ingredient is some form of sugar is always, in my mind, to be questioned.
However, if you ask children to take a top quality nutritional supplement, like the only one I recommend and use, one where the integrity of the product; the ingredients, the actual science and health-based reason for creating that supplement, haven’t been sacrificed on the alter of sweetness and the taste-buds of a generation of sugar-addicted children, then they may, possibly say “no”.
[**Incidentally if you want to know the difference or find out if you are wasting money on sweets or getting the real deal, The Nutrisearch Comparative Guide to Nutritional Supplements helps anyone get clear on which are quality products and which are not.**]
So what do we do?
- Do we let their bodies continue the mission of surviving in this day and age without the extra resources they desperately need?
- Do we allow our conflict-averse selves to believe that they can get everything they need from their food alone (a belief as outdated as ‘computers will never be in every home’).
- Do we try the stealth-ninja technique and hide crushed up tablets in smoothies, yogurt and juice and act all normal, expecting them not to notice? – well, maybe if the children are too small or they really don’t notice.
There is another way. It is a better way. A way that gets me emails of delight from parents celebrating their kids accomplishments (and their children’s pride in themselves) when they follow these 7 simple steps.
7 Simple Steps to Get Children Taking their Vitamins
1. ROLE MODEL – don’t expect your children to do something that you are not doing. If you expect your kids to take vitamins when you don’t, they may be getting a message that it’s ok for them but not for you – that they need it, you don’t – that there is something wrong with them. When a parent leads the way, children quickly watch, learn, follow and a culture of everyone moving towards health gets created.
2. TEACH them, at their level, why it is important to take extra vitamins/ antioxidants/ micro-nutrients. If you need help with this ask.
3. EXPLAIN BENEFITS to them – just some ways these vitamins will help their body in ways that are relevant to them, e.g. help your brain work better, help you be faster at running, help your body stay strong when there are germs around.
4. ACKNOWLEDGE you understand if they don’t like the taste. No matter what it tastes like to your palette, theirs is different. If they think it doesn’t actually taste great, you pretending like it does, or tell them ‘it’s not that bad’ can feel dishonest and like you don’t understand them.
5. ISSUE THE CHALLENGEÂ “I’ve been thinking of how to get these in your body, but I haven’t come up with anything great. So it’s over to you. I challenge you to figure out a way to get them in you. They don’t have to taste nice, you don’t have to love them, I just wonder if you can figure out something I couldn’t – figure out how you could take them?”
6. WALK AWAYÂ and leave them to it (age and safety dependent obviously). Children need the neo-cortex part of their brain to problem solve. When they are feeling under pressure from scrutiny, that part actually shuts off. So give them space, remove all pressure and leave them to it.
7. CELEBRATE when they tell you they’ve cracked it… big deal whoops, high-fives or a low-key 1 sentence if that’s what they prefer, but acknowledge their good job on using their persistence, problem solving, creative thinking and the fact they have found a way to help their body even better than you.
When children feel empowered and curious their resources are unlimited.
Children can do more than we think.
Don’t believe me?
It’s true.
Want proof?
Want to see more on what children can really do when given space to figure things out for themselves ? Watch this TEDx talk.
Claire Wilson
Clinical Director
CHEW Initiatives
Jun 8, 2017 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Play Therapy, School, Sleep, Trauma
Children not sleeping well is an issue. It is an issue for them and often quickly becomes an issue for others in the family home too – especially if the ‘sleep challenge’ is seeming to be an ongoing issue rather than just a blip.
Many of the children who I have worked with struggled with sleep. Some of them REALLYÂ struggled with it, to the point of long-term not sleeping for more than an hour or two at a time for weeks or months on end.
When one Dad brought his daughter for her third play therapy session, he announced to me he wanted to take her to the doctors. She was not sleeping and she needed some tablets and could I ‘have a word’. As I never speak about important things with parents in front of their children, I waited until we were safely in my play therapy room and well into the session before mentioning it to her.
The girl admitted she was not sleeping.
She knew she was doing all sorts of things to put off closing her eyes.
She had a reason.
She didn’t want to go to sleep.
Sleep meant not being in control of her thoughts.
Sleep meant NIGHTMARES.
She described one of the nightmares to me.
I could fully understand why she would not want to go to sleep.
Sleep means being out of control.
Many, many children (and adults) who have experienced trauma in their life (particularly those who have experienced physical, sexual or emotional abuse) often find that they have nightmares that feel extra horrible. They are a way of the subconscious brain ‘re-experiencing‘ the trauma in order to process it in the hope of making sense of it. The moment(s) of trauma was very likely a moment when the child was totally out of control (dis-empowered) and sleep is now another traumatic experience for them when they feel out of control, and something bad (nightmares) happens.
Going to the doctor for not sleeping, would put a child in a room with 2 adults and depending on the particular doctor, this is often an overwhelming and dis-empowering experience in itself. If the child was given sleeping tablets, then they now have drugs to dis-empower them again and make them sleep, the very thing the child is trying to avoid.
I spoke to the Dad on the phone and made these 3 suggestions:-
- I was only just starting to work with her. Let’s give it some time and see how things go with the play therapy, before turning to any additional interventions. These type of nightmares don’t go away with a simple ‘there’s nothing to worry about’, lava lamp or ‘sleep buddy’. The child who has experienced trauma will likely need safe and effective non-directive creative therapy to process what happened (even if they were too young and don’t remember it). With a qualified and experienced practitioner this is exactly what Play Therapy does.
- It was really important at this stage for the girl to have her voice heard. For this reason alone it would be important to hear her when she says she doesn’t want to go to the doctor and she doesn’t want sleeping tablets. Hearing her is a simple way to empower her.
- She had started doing many regressive behaviours at bedtime, needing a blanket, wanting a story and drink, wanting old teddy bears, wanting cuddles and sucking her thumb. I helped her dad understand this is very normal in these circumstances, and helped him see how these behaviours related to the age she was abused. Although she was actually in double figures, I gave him ideas to help him respond to her as if she was 3 again – to give her the 3 year old support and nurturing she (still) needed.
As our therapeutic relationship developed, and when she was ready, over time she was able to reprocess her traumatic experiences. The theme and subject of the nightmares were played out in her sessions and resolved. And with continued guidance on how best to parent her through the process (particularly around bed time) her sleeping got better too.
I totally understand that parents (who often become sleep deprived themselves when a child is persistently not sleeping), just want a quick fix, and if the child is keen to go to sleep then maybe a trip to the doctors might help for a time (although don’t go until you have already properly tried the suggestions in the other Sleep Series articles – listed below in case you missed them!). HOWEVER, if your child is not wanting sleep, and rejecting any real help to get to sleep, it may well be because of trauma-related nightmares.
If so, what they need is understanding, empowerment and the chance to heal at their own pace.Â
If you want to get on the list of people to be notified when we run trainings for parents sign up here.
The other posts in the SLEEP SERIES are here:-
Sleep 101 – 3 Essential Foundations for a Better Bedtime
Sleep 201 – Fighting the REAL ENEMY + the number 1 mistake parents make around bedtime fears
Sleep 301 – Beyond the Bogeyman ~ Empowering children to overcome bedroom fears
