Mar 2, 2017 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Trauma, Uncategorized
You meet all sorts of people whilst out dog walking.
I met a man today who was wearing a jacket and shorts and trainers. I know it is now officially March – but I was wearing a T-shirt, hoodie, and fleece. I also had a woolly hat, jeans, thick socks and warm walking boots. The gauge in my car said 5 degrees. It snowed 2 days ago, and today I felt appropriately dressed. The way the wind was whipping across the open spaces, I was very glad I had my hat.
So back to the man in shorts.
First time we passed, we smiled.
Second time we passed I had to speak to him. He assured me he was absolutely fine in shorts. He never wears anything else – even in ‘-5’. He spent many of his working years (he is now retired) living abroad and wearing shorts. He doesn’t feel the cold…it’s all in your head. He doesn’t feel any pain either – that’s in your head too.
He went on to tell me about his recent triple heart by-pass, and how when he came round he didn’t have pain – didn’t need any pain killers. But because the nurses were so insistent that he should be in pain (and everyone else on the ward was making lots of fuss about the pain in their chests) he gave in and told them ‘if it will make you feel better you can give me some paracetamol’. They did. The tablets ended up under his bed… 😉
And it got me thinking. This highly eloquent gentleman, was very clear in his attitude towards pain : he doesn’t feel it and that was a source of pride. Whilst I do agree there is a huge amount of power in our minds that we can use to change how we relate to pain, I wondered if he knew the other explanation as to why people don’t feel pain in their bodies.
THE OTHER EXPLANATION
Dissociation is a powerful survival technique that we all have at our disposal. A way to manage our selves when we are in overwhelming situations that are causing us high levels of physical or emotional pain, whether they are life threatening or not.
‘Out-of-body-experiences‘ whilst being sexually abused are a common expression of dissociation during trauma at any age. Children learn to dissociate if they are living through any kind of abuse. They often dissociate if they a living with domestic violence or other frightening scenarios in their homes. They often find that the only way to cope is to separate their mind away from their body. They stop paying attention to what is happening in reality right now – and go somewhere else in their heads. And it is not a conscious choice. It is how our subconscious helps us survive. And it is not just children.
As a society, it was not that long ago that we inadvertently encouraged our children to learn to dissociate. Little boys, who were brought up with the ‘boys don’t cry’ message, learnt to deny and disconnect from pain because it wasn’t ok to have it – but it hurt. Those little boys are still living among us as dads and Granddads…
Children who cut themselves with scissors or fall over, are bleeding but don’t notice, may well be exhibiting an indicator that they have learnt not to be fully connected with their body and all its sensations. Those children who can’t seem to tell the difference between fact and fantasy may be needing their fantasy to be real because it is safer than their actual reality. Adults can do the same – or different.
Other indicators of dissociation I have seen in children and my adult clients (parents and professionals – all intelligent lovely people) include:-
- not having feeling in their hands / feet / or head
- being avid fiction readers
- phasing out when talking
- not hearing when I am talking to them
- not being able to notice when they are hungry / thirsty
- not noticing when they need the toilet
- ‘floating away into a nice place’ when doing yoga, meditating or even in the midst of a horrible situation
NB – this is not a diagnostic list of symptoms.
Just some of the particular elements of dissociation that people have incorporated into their lives and think are normal.
Dissociation is normal – it is normal and natural to become dissociated automatically when we are severely threatened.
It is not a normal state to be in daily.
Talking with my new friend made me curious. I would have loved to find out more about him and what he had been through in his life. If I see him again soon, one thing is certain, he’ll be easy to spot in his shorts.
Let’s Keep Talking
If you have any experiences of being dissociated yourself, noticing it in others, noticing it in children you are around I’d love to hear them. Similarly feel free to pop me any questions you may have about it in the comments below or here.
Feb 6, 2017 | Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Real Life Stories, Trauma, Uncategorized
Sometimes things don’t work out the way you planned…
As many of you will know, Hinton has been a big part of my life for the last 16 months (make that 20 if you want to include the 4 months of crazy excitement and preparation from decision day until he actually arrived!!)
The plan was; be a puppy socialiser, and learn everything I can about that experience, then when he goes on to the next stage of his training to be an assistance dog, enjoy perusing my options and consider whether I
- a) want to socialise another puppy
- b) want to get a pet dog
- c) have had enough of dogs through this chapter of life and am happy to move on to life’s next adventure dog free..
As I chose to take time to have a sabbatical from my clinical work, I knew I would need a stop-gap. Hinton was to be my sabbatical ‘project’. (Unbeknownst to me he was actually born on the first day of my sabbatical).
He was a project.
And some!
I could write a book about everything I have learnt.
However, this post is not about any of that, it is to let you all know that that plan; my plan, isn’t happening.
Hinton is being withdrawn from the charity’s training program due to the challenges he has with his health. Now, if you are like every other person who I’ve told that to, your next thought will be
‘so are you going to keep him?‘
And there it is.
The question that was SO BIG to me it ground me to a halt for a few days. I’m not exaggerating. To you it may seem strange, but I was overcome by the enormity of the decision… a decision I had never planned on having to make…the life-changing impact of something I had to use my voice to choose what next…
Sometimes life happens to us.
Sometimes we need to use our voice to choose life.
I am grateful to have some people close to me who appreciated the bigness of my decision and gave me space and time to explore it from every angle. If we have experienced trauma of any kind in our past then it can be easy at times like this to take cover in our favourite survival pattern – run away, argue or hide and wait for it all to go away. Have you noticed what you do?
This decision needed to be made, and while I certainly had wisdom enough to put some self-care boundaries around it, to take the time I needed to make it, it had to be made. The decision wasn’t going anywhere. I had to get myself grounded, moving, thinking and processing and listening to my head, my heart, my spirit, my fears and my desires.
These are the things I asked myself to help come to my decision.
- What do I love in life ? What are my core passions, my values, the things that bring me life?
- Does this change support me in being more me or less me?
- Does this change mean I will grow forwards to new or go back to the old?
- Do I feel what I am letting go of, has grown me or shrunk me?
- Will the future I choose to move into grow me or shrink me?
- What about this scares me? (Acknowledging that there is fear or that something is hard, doesn’t mean you don’t do it – you just get more clarity about the root of the fear and power to overcome it).
- Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Or do the positives carry MORE WEIGHT than the negatives?
- Am I ready to be responsible for me and the development of my life?
- Am I ready to choose life?
AND to you..
In case you too are at a fork in the road, be it work, a relationship, or whether or not to keep a dog, hear me, yes it is a big decision. I know whatever you are facing, it’s an important decision. It is important because you are important.
Join me, whether for you it is yes or no, find the courage to choose life 🙂
P.S. Hinton is staying. x
Jan 26, 2017 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, GROUNDED, Health, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, School, Uncategorized
We all know that being around challenging children is HARD. Being involved in their lives means that we have a significant role we are playing – and yet it can sometimes mean we think that to be doing a good job we have to keep it all together and not let others know how hard we are finding it. We can be honest – but only a bit…
I wrote this several years ago, when Hinton was 9 months old. I wrote it for me and never intended to share it – but have decided I would, in case it resonates with anyone else out there doing significant work and finding it HARD right now.
HINTON DIARY – 9 Months
“So I cried today in a room of women and four-legged furry beauties.
Why?
I was done.
‘My furry boy’ is a real challenge at the moment – in ways that no one knows if they just look at him.
In fact if you just look at him, you would say how gorgeous he is, and you would want to touch him (EVERYONE wants to touch him).
You would have no idea about what it is really like living with him at the moment. The stubbornness, the independence, the inescapable attraction for anything new, how unbelievably strong he is when he wants something, and then there is the sensitive tummy, sensitive temperament and unpredictable VERY mushy toileting.
My ‘boy’ is 9 months old and a real conundrum in so many ways.
I’m not just saying it. He has had his trainer scratching her head more than once.
We went to our regular socialisers puppy class today.
It was clear to the trainer as soon as we arrived, that I needed some extra support and I didn’t deny it.
The trainer took him and I sat there with tears pouring down my face. Exhausted.
It turns out that some dogs are like this when they hit teenage stage.
It turns out that they are not all this hard, but some are.
It turns out that in some ways he is very normal.
It turns out that in some ways he is very different, and not all the standard ‘normal’ approaches are helpful for him.
It was lovely for them all to notice and comment on the good bits they see in him (he can do rocking sits and downs when he has a mind to, waits and stays are there too, and I think the stories of how he now copes with being handled, poked and prodded which he totally HATED a few months ago, actually really impressed them).
And that is it, the conundrum. He is not all bad. Not by a long shot. I wouldn’t swap him for any of the other pups. He is ‘my boy’ [for now] and we are going to work this through together, we will both be changed by it, and come through wiser.
That is where we are going. But to get there I needed today.
- I needed to be around the wisdom of others who ACTUALLY KNOW what it is like being a puppy socialiser.
- I needed to hear encouragement from others who ACTUALLY KNOW what it takes to be a puppy socialiser.
- I needed to hear and receive affirmation of the good job I am doing with him from people who know the investment of time, energy and life it takes to train a pup like this.
- I needed time out – even just a few minutes – of not being on the end of the lead, to regroup and get myself into a calm state again. Time to look at him from a different perspective and realise there was no other puppy in the room I would want to take home instead.
- I needed to hear from people who are more experienced than me, that being at the end of myself did not mean I was a poor socialiser in anyway.
- I needed to hear stories of the depths that others (who seemed to have it all together and appeared to know what they are doing) have been to with puppies they have socialised in the past – and to see one of them sitting there with the very same puppy, now calm and in control of himself, happy, snoozing and ready for the next stage of training.
And he needed time away from me.
Right then, he needed time being handled by an expert.
He needed support from someone who was calm and grounded, who could help him move on through those minutes in a positive way.
It takes a village to raise a child apparently.
It surely takes a community to raise an assistance puppy.
So as I am writing, we are home now. He is asleep by my feet.
Still gorgeous. Still a teenager. Still so much toddler.
Socializing an assistance puppy has to be up there with some of the hardest things I have ever done.
But I’ve heard many parents say the same about parenting.
I’ve heard many teachers say the same thing about teaching.
I am SO grateful for the support and expert training I have around me. While everyone wants to throw their two pennies worth of opinion at me – I know who I am choosing to listen to. I am learning so much about dogs, about people, about me, and I have chosen to change and grow through it all… Socialising my first assistance puppy IS an adventure and I’m not done yet.”
SO from one honest heart to another – let me ask you these 9 questions:-
- Are you doing something significant?
- From 1-10 how hard is it at the moment?
- What is hard about it that no one else would know from the outside?
- Do you compare yourself with others who appear to have it all together?
- Who would you need to hear positives from to really receive and believe what they are saying?
- When was the last time you had ‘time out’ away from those children?
- What are the specific positives or developments that you can see are still in your children, even in the midst of a challenging phase?
- What emotional support do you need?
- What specific expert support do you need?
Want to be the first to know when my next online workshop for parents (of human children) is happening? Get yourself on the ‘let-me-know list’. CLICK HERE
Jan 19, 2017 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Real Life Stories, School
So you want to train to be a play therapist?
Really?
There are a few things you should know, that none of the play therapy training materials will tell you.
Firstly, you will likely develop a life-long penchant for ‘collecting’ miniature items from shops, car boots, friends children’s toy collections, holiday destinations, and anywhere else.
Secondly, you will develop a ninja-level ability to get the phrase “I wonder” into any conversations
Thirdly, you will never be the same again.
The first 2 we can smile about. They will impact your bank balance, your storage space and your conversation skills, but apart from that they are relatively insignificant 🙂 (actually #2 is very significant, but that’s for another day…)
The third point is the one we really need to talk about.
Therapists are nice people on the whole. They want to help others. They want to make the world a better place. They want to see growth and healing and nice things… Yes?
So training to be a therapist – even a playing one, has got to make you a nicer person…yes?
So how is it that so many people who go through the training to become play therapists end up (albeit often a few years later) splitting up with their partners? Yes this is true. I don’t have official research statistics to prove this to you – just anecdotal numbers from the many courses I have been on or facilitated, and corroborated findings with others.
So here we go.
Real-talk time coming up.
6 observations why play therapy training could be dangerous if you like things just the way they are.
1. One of the key elements about a good training to become a play therapist is being able to maintain boundaries for your client.
You cannot maintain good, strong and healthy boundaries for a child if you cannot do it for yourself first.
Establishing and maintaining boundaries is something to be learnt, and often needs careful consideration and intention. Many people never consider this aspect of their lives.
Many of the excellent play therapy training courses available, help students discover the dysfunctional patterns in their lives, they become aware of their own pain, and how they have developed ‘dances’ with others to get their child-hood, inner pain-based needs met. They learn about the importance of establishing healthy boundaries for protecting the precious.
2. Students discover whether they are still controlling situations, people or whole families to keep the boat from being rocked.
They discover if they are still hiding who they really are from people around them to keep the boat from being rocked.
They discover why they really fear the boat actually being rocked and realise they are now big enough to handle the waves.
3. Trainees discover if their relationships are health-giving or health-sucking.
They discover they have a voice now as a grown-up, which may not have been used as a child.
They discover that being a great therapist for a child means at times advocating for them. You cannot advocate for a child without using your voice, being seen and heard.
4. Journeying students discover how their subconscious speaks to them.
They realize things can change and the lies of being tiny, vulnerable, stuck and powerless they may have believed since childhood, can loose their power and truth can be established in their place.
They discover healing and growth are possible – who they are – their very bodies – become messages of hope to the children they work with.
5. They discover if there is an appropriate level of self care in their lives or not.
They discover that who they are is the most important thing to a child.
They discover that They. Are. Important.
They understand that they can and should be doing more to nurture themselves in every way.
6. They discover that they have power and they learn to use it.
The one who will bring change and growth; enable them to live the truth of who they are, respectfully and with appropriate boundaries; in the lifestyle they need to nurture themselves, is themselves. For this they are responsible.
The relationships they have will grow with them, become consciously changed or need to be released. [See above comments about relationships for evidence of how many relationships don’t seem to want to grow with them].
To be a therapist you have to grow.
Therapists have to be able to be honest about who they are, why they are and what they want to do about that.
To be a therapist you have to grow.
To care for children in ways that keep you and them emotionally safe, means growing, learning, understanding yourself, your stuff, your pain-points, your healing, your boundaries and ability to defend and protect.
To work respectfully at these levels of responsibility, privilege and influence in a hurting child’s life, calls for health and growth and good condition.
Hurting children in adult bodies are not safe practitioners in the therapy room, classroom or anywhere.
To have a job working with children in any role DOES NOT require growth.
To become an excellent, effective, influential and inspirational practitioner with children in any role and any setting requires growth ABSOLUTELY.
To be a healthy, safe, vibrant ambassador and advocate for children does NOT mean you have to be a therapist.
But then you don’t have to train as a play therapist to grow 😉
Jan 6, 2017 | Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Inspiration, Real Life Stories, School, testimonial
This just came in from one of the senior teachers I have been supporting. It is shared here with permission.
Everyone’s story is different of course – and if you are curious to change yours then please get in touch.
“Hi there
I just wanted to send you a few words that sum up what happened to me.
I could have gone on about my visits to the GP, photographing my swollen joints and rashes so the GP didn’t think I was making things up, it’s quite funny now I’m ‘fixed’ – although it wasn’t at all funny at the time ….. Especially as it was also suggested at one point that my symptoms were psychosomatic…
In 5 months I’ve forgotten how debilitating it can be to have:-
- intermittent Vertigo,
- swollen joints that were so painful I couldn’t move them,
- tendons that pulled my fingers in to make a claw,
- unexplained rashes
- and the need to stop driving to have a sleep on the way home from work.
When you work in a school it’s easy to think feeling unwell is an inevitable symptom of stress and part of getting older! But the changes I have experienced since taking the USANA products you recommended have shown me it’s not stress or getting older, it’s nutrition. I just wasn’t getting enough of what my body needed.
I noticed a difference within 2 days of taking the nutritional supplements. Honestly, for me it was that instant.
I’m massively thankful.
It is just so incredible to be several months on now and pain free, sleeping better than I ever have, waking up more easily and not needing to spend 15 mins in the shower every morning trying to make my eyes open. I have more energy and mental clarity and I know I am more ‘on my game’ at work than I have been in years.
Thank you again.”
Inclusion Manager
If you want to explore what might help you thrive then get in touch.
Also check out
Nutrients Helping Children thrive testimony from adoptive parents
Nutritional deficiency and children’s behaviour how nutrients changed a pre-schooler and his family
Improving Immune strength what another teacher noticed
Dec 6, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Resources, School, Trauma
Hinton loves routine.
Post morning run – Kong bliss before sleep…
He really does.
He has always had a sensitive temperament.
Routine helps him know where he is, what is coming next, and he likes that.
We are at the stage now where he knows there is a period of time to wait (for digestion) between breakfast and going for his run – he will come to wherever I am and lie down patiently.
He knows once I start getting my boots on or getting his walking bag together the next thing is going out the door – so he goes to the front door and sits there waiting for me.
He knows when we are back what comes next – drink, chill and stuffed frozen kong on his bed, then sleep. As we follow this routine on the vast majority of days, he is a chilled, happy, peaceful pup. IF he is asked to do something different – he will do it, but it is not too long before his confusion can become worry. I know his face and body language and behaviour languages well. I know how it can unsettle him.
AND SO IT IS… with children.
For so many children, this time of year in school is a blast – off the ‘lesson timetable’ – no spelling tests – (extra) fun versions of numeracy and lots of trips to the hall for practices… and a chance to shine at singing or acting or…
For those who are more sensitive, those who maybe quieter, those who need routine to help them feel like the world (in school at least) is safe and predictable, this can be the complete opposite.
TIPS for making these days a bit easier for everyone
- Staff need to acknowledge this time of year is fun of some and hard for others.
Get it out in the open (without making children identify outwardly which they are – because if they find it hard and their friends love it, you have just made it EVEN harder).
“Some of us really like to know what is happening every day – and when we do the same things every day we always know what is coming next. The next few days in school might be a bit tricky because things are not the usual routine we have done so far this term… but there are many things that ARE Going to stay the same.”
- Have a daily class meeting – with visual timetable so everyone knows what is coming up. For those really anxious children, going through this at the end of the day before will help, so they know what they are coming too in school the next day. NB Don’t say anything you can’t promise to happen…
- Remind everyone that they can come and tell you or other support staff if they are worried or would like to know about anything. (Don’t assume they will just do this – often they won’t).
- Watch for the worry, confusion, anxiety behaviours. Do you know what these are? How well can you spot them? How well do you know those children?
- Point out all the things that are staying the same in the day: (break time, lunch time, intervention groups, dinner ladies etc)
- Consider that any behaviour that emerges through these weeks, could be an expression of anxiety about less school routine OR worry about Christmas and the long holiday gap away from school support. Let’s find out if holiday worry is a factor in behaviour before we decide how much telling off this child needs?
- Have SLT in school and support staff and pastoral staff off their group timetables as much as possible to be available to pick up and support those children who need closer contact during these days.
- Having simple, practical jobs to do with, or without adult support can help to focus a worried brain and provide a small sense of control and achievement at a time when inside they might feel like drowning in emotions.
- Be aware that many children will have been told that their behaviour at school will be seen by Santa (or the Elf) and affect whether they get any presents. (This is not made up – just last week I spoke to a whole bunch of 6 year olds who are living this.)
