Feb 20, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Inspiration, Play Therapy, Real Life Stories, School, testimonial, Trauma, Uncategorized
I don’t think I have ever shared direct words from any of my clients before. I have thought long and hard about doing it now, and the reason I am sharing what this incredible boy wrote as part of our closing process, was because HE wanted it shared. The idea that his experience can inspire school staff to know that children can change, was really important to him. The idea that others – even adults – who still find themselves journeying through PTSD, could be encouraged by his words and his journey was equally important.
“Since working with Claire I have changed in many different ways. I have changed the way I act around people. I have changed the way I see things. Everyday I think about how much Claire has helped me come to be who I always tried to be, how I don’t try to be any body, I don’t even try to be myself – I just be the person I am.
I used to say the words PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) like I had to say it or like I had to make everybody know that I have PTSD, however now I have changed. I no longer wear a badge that says ‘I have PTSD’ because I don’t. I am not ashamed of having had PTSD nor am I proud. I don’t think about PTSD and I havent even spoke about it in so long because I don’t need to anymore. I feel free from and unleashed from the horrible badge called PTSD.
My time with Claire has been an unforgettable experience and has been a roller coaster, not always easy and not always fun, but for sure it’s one of those one-time life-time changing experiences you just can’t say no to.”
Boy, aged 12,Shared with permission – as he hoped it might encourage others with PTSD that things can change.
Feb 6, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Real Life Stories, School, Trauma
Any professional play therapist working in a school or other setting will have a set of procedures that their colleagues know to follow if, for any reason, they cannot be there unexpectedly.
I went through my procedures with every single school who referred children to me, during the pre-clinical phase of setting up work with each child.
Not sure what a good procedure should be in this case? Click here for a free download that will explain all.
The sessions with this particular client had taken a while to get set up; the meeting with school was ok, but the parent meeting got scheduled and cancelled twice before we changed tack and the school got Dad’s consent and initial SDQ completed over the phone.
I was just 3 weeks in, and already had a special place in my professional heart for this street-savvy boy. With a background of pain and chaos, I remember him still being too cool for school, but starting to open up to the possibility of a relationship – enough to ask me about my experiences and what I thought about stuff…
It was early days, but it was looking good, and I was hopeful.
Then I was ill.
A special combo of laryngitis and pharyngitis had me in bed with no voice and feeling rubbish. I had a week off work. I made the necessary calls and emails, I did everything I could to let the key people for each of my clients know it was time to follow the procedure I had outlined at the start of my work.
This was the only occasion where for whatever reason, the message I left didn’t get passed on. I understand that schools are busy places. I know that school staff on average deal with a million or a billion, (or is it a bazillion?!) things each day. I know that even with the best intentions, it is easy for things to get missed. It is just a shame that this was the thing.
It got missed.
The message didn’t get passed on,
The child was brought to the venue by his support worker.
They couldn’t get in.
There was no answer to their knocking.
I can only imagine, what that experience may have been like for him.
This woman who he had started to like and started to trust, was suddenly not there for him. He didn’t know why. He would likely have felt stupid, but that would have been the least of it. The sense of abandonment, confusion, shame, anger and bewilderment may have been acute. His special Gran had died 2 months before, and his mum – an addict – had left him years before. My sudden absence; the hat trick confirming to him that women leave you and that people are not to be trusted.
When I came back to work the next week, unaware of what had happened (some schools’ communication with external workers is truly stunning), expecting him to turn up for his session….now I was the one left waiting.
It turned out he was digging his heels in at school and refusing to come. They didn’t know why– ‘he’s been fine every other week’.
He agreed to come the week after, and told me that he was not coming any more. We explored a good enough crisis ending. He heard my apology for not being there, my understanding that it must have been horrible for him and my sadness that the message I had left for him never got to him, which he seemed to hear… But his mind was set. This was the end and I didn’t blame him.
Want to ensure children you know don’t go through this experience? This free download will tell you what to say and do to support them best.
I have often thought about him since. Wondering if he has had opportunity to find someone who he feels safe enough with to develop a therapeutic process and start to heal his pain? Wondering what might have happened if my illness had occurred further into our therapeutic journey when we had established a stronger relationship – strong enough to work through what the experience meant for him? Wondering what would have happened if I had not been ill?
I know it is unrealistic to expect that we can never be ill. However, I do believe that those of us in jobs where we work with hurting children, have a duty of care to ensure we are doing all we can to ensure our health is as optimal as it can be. It is not just about minimizing the time we are off work, but reducing time when we are there in body, but not physically able to be fully present with them, distracted by coughing, pain, etc. Children always know if we are ‘not normal’, and it often worries them. And obviously, no-one appreciates the germ spreaders – self care when we are ill has to be a priority for all sorts of reasons. Who we are always has an impact on the children we work with.
Things to Consider
? DOES your setting have procedures that are clearly followed when a visiting practitioner can no longer attend a session but a child is expecting them?
? DO the staff in your setting understand the impact their absence can have on certain children? (and let’s be honest -some will be thrilled if it means they don’t have to do PE or music or that test or whatever else… but others really will be wobbling inside).
? DO your admin/office staff understand the importance of their part in information sharing in these circumstances?
? DO you ever consider if a child has had a strange behaviour episode – whether it may be related to someone they connect with being away?
? Want something to pass on to your Senco / deputy head / admin / key staff to have to hand should this happen at your place? Click here for the Free Guide to what to say and do when a therapist is absent.
Jan 18, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Food, Health, Real Life Stories, School, testimonial, Trauma, Uncategorized
Those who are familiar with the CHEW ethos, will know that we like to work holistically wherever possible.
It is so important as health; physical, mental and emotional well-being IS all connected. We understand how stress impacts a body and wherever we can, we help others understand that too. Children who have experienced a high level of stress early in life often have lasting impact from lack of nutrients at key developmental times. Whatever has happened to us in life, there are some things that our body needs that can only come through our mouth, and it is so special when parents understand this, make changes and children’s lives get better.
In their words:-
“We have two adopted siblings both of whom display attachment issues and struggle at school with concentration, emotional and social behaviour.
After discussions with Claire we recently considered and then ordered particular dietary supplements with a view to helping the children in two ways.
Firstly, we recognised that whilst they have a very good and varied diet their anxiety levels may be a barrier to them absorbing all the nutrients they need and therefore supplements may be required. Secondly, to see if their concentration could be improved.
We have been a little skeptical in the past about supplements, but are happy that Claire and her colleagues have done enough research to feel confident in this particular company. We would not invest in cheaper alternatives.
Our children have been taking this nutritional support for about 5 months.
At home we have noticed that the children have been more willing and able to sit and do small chunks of homework. Our daughter especially willing to do it on her own, extremely unusual! Their concentration and ability to think seems to be improving.
At school, following parents evening and update meetings we have been told how well they are both doing in the classroom. They are less “noticeable” in class and are able to complete tasks with much less assistance. This is a real step forward.
There could be any number of coincidences for these changes but we do feel that the supplements have played a vital part.
The children like taking them and will remind us if we have forgotten to put them out.”
Adoptive Parents, SOLIHULL
Dec 6, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Real Life Stories, School, Trauma
… The words from a 12 year old beginning a conversation she wanted to have with me about her sense that she is ‘not normal’.
Her reasons? “I can see things” and “I hear voices”.
It turned out that the ‘things’ she sees and hears are all memories of moments in her life: some of them from when she was 3-4. As she described to me in explicit detail one of the things she ‘sees’, it was a word for word (yet with even greater detail) description of an event that I had been informed of by a social worker and one of her parents before I started working with her a while ago.
It turns out that she also sees the face of someone who hurt her a lot when she was younger.
She also ‘sees’ police.
It also turns out that each of the things she ‘sees’ has with it at least 1 very strong emotion. Confusion, shame, overwhelm, guilt and always terror.
We had a conversation about PTSD. She brought it up, and told me she has it. She had seen a program about people who have it and realise that a lot of what she struggled with was the same. She had just missed a few crucial points about what PTSD is, and so those we cleared up:-
- PTSD is not like ADHD or Autism, in that they are both life-long conditions that people learn to live with. PTSD does not need to be life-long, and there are many, many people who have already recovered from it.
- One of the elements of PTSD is how your memories get messed with; you can feel like you have lost a bit of control over what happens in your mind. Flashbacks, intrusive memories and nightmares are different ways the brain tries to keep processing and making sense of what happened (even years after the experience) and are common experiences for people whilst still on their recovery journey.
- Situations, sounds, smells etc that remind us of the experience that may have happened years before, can still make us feel like we did back then, but if we don’t understand they are linked then we can seem really weird and wonder why it is we might freak out at something other people don’t.
This all made complete sense to this child. She understood herself a lot more and no longer felt like a ‘freak’.
There are many children who are struggling with ‘seeing’ things or having what sound like strange experiences ‘hearing voices’ etc.
I’ve heard of 4 more in schools just this week.
If we as the adults around them (parents or other professionals) ignore or belittle their testimony, dismiss it or tell them to ‘tell the truth’ just because it sounds a bit weird to us, or we think that ‘what happened was a long time ago now‘ then we block the child back into their trauma and do nothing to help them heal.
Our fear at what we perceive as ‘not normal’ shuts them down. We confirm to them that:-
they are weird,
they are on their own,
they are not understood and
there is no hope for change.
Hearing and seeing things for a child who has been through one or more of the different types of trauma at any point in their life, and may have PTSD, is totally ‘normal’.
If we don’t know this we can’t help them, and some might say, that in our own ignorance of PTSD we may hurt them again.
Nov 25, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Real Life Stories, School, Trauma, Uncategorized
“And there is another one too…. he bangs his head on the desk.”
This was one of the things said to me at the end of the Introduction to Trauma training I delivered for schools in Cannock and Rugely last week.
So let me ask you – if this was a child you knew – what would you do?
I asked this staff member what happens when he does that? She replied quickly and with powerful energy, “we tell him to stop it!”
That is when my heart broke a bit more for that child.
I don’t know his name, or how old he is even, it doesn’t matter really – banging your head on a table is not normal behaviour for a child of any age. I do know that he is not doing it for fun.
His behaviour instantly told me he is hurting, and moving his body like that is the only way he can currently express that.
As his behaviour communicates his pain, he is met with punishing tone of voice and being told to stop it – ie ‘expressing your pain is not OK or allowed’.
Why do the staff respond like that? I didn’t ask the lady – but often when things like this happen, when a child behaves in a way that is ‘not normal’ at school or home, adult responses can be rooted in one of these unconscious statements:-
- The child’s behaviour is wrong and not what we want to see for our children and so I must make it stop.
- This behaviour is weird, I find it quite threatening because I don’t understand it…I must make it stop.
- He must be hurting himself…I must make him stop.
When adults need to ‘make it stop’ it is often because they are operating out of fear (because they don’t understand what is happening). They insist, they control, they dominate. The behaviour stops. The adult feels better. The adult has ‘won’. They were fighting…the adult vs the strange behaviour….and the thing that was threatening them has now gone. Good.
The child…? Is left with their pain. The reason for why they needed to bang their head on the table has not gone away. They have learnt though. The lesson in that moment is clear- this is not a place to be expressive or vulnerable or show your true feelings. They are not understood. They are certainly not helped.
So what did I say?
- Please do not say that to him.
- Please take away the work he is doing (the staff member then said to me, yes – it is always when he has particular work to do).
- Please understand that that work is frustrating him and to him is like a threat he cannot escape from.
- When the ‘work’ is physically away from him, book shut and put out of sight, then you can help him calm down, by showing him something else you have in front of you (depending on his age this could be a finger puppet, a photo of your dog, a picture you need to colour in…).
- And make sure through it all – you stay calm in your body and your voice.
Obviously that is just step 1 – but it is a crucial change in approach that will help him.
In the future this child will be more able to access his work when he is clearer that the adults around him are there to help, and that they understand him. He will no longer be on his own with his ‘threat and no escape.’
I am grateful that person spoke to me last week. I’m glad we had that very brief conversation, because for that child from that day on, things might be a bit better…at least in terms of the way she understood him, and could respond in those moments.
And it has given me a chance to share the situation, just in case it resonates with anyone else who is considering how they respond to a child when there is behaviour they don’t understand.
One thing I know, if we don’t understand why children do what they do and we react to make their behaviour just stop, it is more likely to be feeding our own need, not helping that child at all, and sometimes doing them harm.
If you want more insight into what is going on for children at times like this, and things you can do to help them, GROUNDED would be a great next step on your reading journey.
Oct 20, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, School, Trauma, Uncategorized
You know those games where you get to see 1 small area of a picture and you have to guess who the celebrity is, or where the place is, or what the catchphrase is…?
Well I would like to make a proposal… And it is this:
– that we would stop playing games with our children.
Eh? What do I mean?
Let me explain.
What do you see?
Very often I am asked to help a school or parent, because there is a child who is causing great concern. That school or parent can fill me in on exactly all the details about that child that are concerning them. Mostly these details are about behaviour.
To quote a certain game-show host, they “say what they see”. 
And then they look at me in a particular way…or as one parent said to me recently – “so what can happen (what can you do) to fix this?”
I knew he wanted the best for his child, and himself. He wanted the outbursts to stop, and the child to be compliant and respectful… I just couldn’t and wouldn’t bring myself to play that game.
If you have ever asked me for ideas to support a particular child I have never seen, and don’t know about… You will know I won’t do it 😉 (it happens mostly at the end of training events, usually preceded by the words ‘can I just ask you….’)
Why won’t I take that conversation further? Why wouldn’t I immediately give that teacher or parent a list of things to do to change his child’s behaviour? It is simple. I wasn’t ready to give him an answer – If I don’t have enough of the picture, I won’t play catchphrase with children’s lives. They are more important and deserve more respect than that.
Get the bigger picture
What I will do, if the parent or school are willing to work with me (and it is so precious when I do get this chance!), is help the key people involved explore the real issues … And we will together pan out our focus from just looking at a child and expand our view to see the bigger picture…all the different, contributing pieces. And here is the challenge… because in doing this we might need to include in our view the people around the child at school and home, stress levels and causes, dynamics between others in the family, past experiences, food, sleep and mental health of key carers… etc etc etc.
Why is this necessary? Because any particular behaviour of a child can be rooted in a million different reasons, and it is not my place to pick any one of them out of a hat and give suggestions that will impact that child’s life based on guess work. The wrong advice could be as emotionally dangerous as prescribing antibiotics to someone who is allergic to them.
Sometimes a child will appear to have ADHD when their body is pumped with stress hormones because they are constantly worried about what is going to happen to mum while they are not there to keep check on her.
Sometimes a child may appear to have autism because he struggles with change and chooses to focus on just 1 main thing to play with…because his world has been full of chaos (boundaries changing, adults not following through on what they say, routine all over the place, emotional turmoil in key carer) and that is his one way to try and keep things predictable in life.
Would it be fair to diagnose a child with ADHD when really it is parent’s financial stresses that lead to arguments and vibes that are causing him to feel like he is living in a war zone at home, and so he can’t concentrate or sit still at school?
“It’s good but it’s not right.”
I have known children be misdiagnosed with various conditions and given medications to subdue their behaviour. It happens too often. It breaks my heart when a child is being given unnecessary drugs that do change them, the way covering up a screaming smoke alarm will muffle the hideous sound but won’t find or deal with the fire.
If you are prepared to make judgments about a child from looking only at one piece of their picture you are playing roulette with someone’s life… it is always easier to look at and judge a child rather than have to look at ourselves, and consider whether we are the real focal point that they are just responding to. Trying to label and change a child is easier than trying to understand them and if necessary change ourselves or our circumstances.
Guesses at what to do to change the child might ‘work’ for a time but they may also fit the other famous catchphrase of that game-show host “it’s good but it’s not right”.
THANK YOU !!
I want to say a public thank you to each and every parent and teacher, school staff member and even grandparent I have worked with over the years who have had the courage and honesty to let themselves be seen as part of the child’s real picture, and made their own changes so a child didn’t get misunderstood and was able to change naturally and authentically.
You may have changed the trajectory of their lives.
If you want to understand more about children’s behaviour then check out some more of the free resources on here and for the missing piece that most adults miss, get this book.
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I won’t play…
