Nov 25, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Real Life Stories, School, Trauma, Uncategorized
“And there is another one too…. he bangs his head on the desk.”
This was one of the things said to me at the end of the Introduction to Trauma training I delivered for schools in Cannock and Rugely last week.
So let me ask you – if this was a child you knew – what would you do?
I asked this staff member what happens when he does that? She replied quickly and with powerful energy, “we tell him to stop it!”
That is when my heart broke a bit more for that child.
I don’t know his name, or how old he is even, it doesn’t matter really – banging your head on a table is not normal behaviour for a child of any age. I do know that he is not doing it for fun.
His behaviour instantly told me he is hurting, and moving his body like that is the only way he can currently express that.
As his behaviour communicates his pain, he is met with punishing tone of voice and being told to stop it – ie ‘expressing your pain is not OK or allowed’.
Why do the staff respond like that? I didn’t ask the lady – but often when things like this happen, when a child behaves in a way that is ‘not normal’ at school or home, adult responses can be rooted in one of these unconscious statements:-
- The child’s behaviour is wrong and not what we want to see for our children and so I must make it stop.
- This behaviour is weird, I find it quite threatening because I don’t understand it…I must make it stop.
- He must be hurting himself…I must make him stop.
When adults need to ‘make it stop’ it is often because they are operating out of fear (because they don’t understand what is happening). They insist, they control, they dominate. The behaviour stops. The adult feels better. The adult has ‘won’. They were fighting…the adult vs the strange behaviour….and the thing that was threatening them has now gone. Good.
The child…? Is left with their pain. The reason for why they needed to bang their head on the table has not gone away. They have learnt though. The lesson in that moment is clear- this is not a place to be expressive or vulnerable or show your true feelings. They are not understood. They are certainly not helped.
So what did I say?
- Please do not say that to him.
- Please take away the work he is doing (the staff member then said to me, yes – it is always when he has particular work to do).
- Please understand that that work is frustrating him and to him is like a threat he cannot escape from.
- When the ‘work’ is physically away from him, book shut and put out of sight, then you can help him calm down, by showing him something else you have in front of you (depending on his age this could be a finger puppet, a photo of your dog, a picture you need to colour in…).
- And make sure through it all – you stay calm in your body and your voice.
Obviously that is just step 1 – but it is a crucial change in approach that will help him.
In the future this child will be more able to access his work when he is clearer that the adults around him are there to help, and that they understand him. He will no longer be on his own with his ‘threat and no escape.’
I am grateful that person spoke to me last week. I’m glad we had that very brief conversation, because for that child from that day on, things might be a bit better…at least in terms of the way she understood him, and could respond in those moments.
And it has given me a chance to share the situation, just in case it resonates with anyone else who is considering how they respond to a child when there is behaviour they don’t understand.
One thing I know, if we don’t understand why children do what they do and we react to make their behaviour just stop, it is more likely to be feeding our own need, not helping that child at all, and sometimes doing them harm.
If you want more insight into what is going on for children at times like this, and things you can do to help them, GROUNDED would be a great next step on your reading journey.
Nov 24, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Food, Health, Real Life Stories, School, Uncategorized
It is funny what you remember.
I was in a reception classroom this week just as it was heading to lunchtime. The children all lined up at the door, and waited… and with the hubbub of their chatter, and the change in energy in the room as they became more and more hungry and wondering where their dinner lady was….I remembered.
I remembered times like that when I was a teacher, and I would help my class get through those painful minutes by distracting them with class games, Simon Says…, and jokes.
Beyond that though, I remembered my own feelings of waiting for lunch at school.
If you were hungry at home you could say so, maybe have something to keep you going and/or go do something to distract yourself. At school when you are just waiting neither of those are options.
I remembered how the biggest change for me going from primary to secondary, was not the size of school, or the moving around to different rooms for different lessons, or the amount of homework…. It was having to wait until 12.50 for the bell to go for lunch, when for the last 3 years it had been at 12.00! Those 50 mins were THE HARDEST MINUTES OF THE DAY.
I was quiet at school, not one of the children who were constantly being noticed, but just because nobody else noticed my hunger I DID! I was so desperate to get food into me by 12.50, that I would go straight outside with my packed lunch and sit on the benches and EAT. Most of my class (and the rest of the school in all honesty) would go to the dining hall, queue up for a seat and eat in there. Not me.
E v e r y s i n g l e day of my first year, come rain, or shine I was out there….even in the snow.
I’m serious.
Nothing was going to stop me getting food in my body ASAP.
What I now know about bodies and fuel, brain function, hormones and blood sugar levels helps me understand this memory picture. I didn’t care that what I was doing was different to everyone else or a bit off-the-wall. All I cared about was re-fueling.
I recognised that same need to re-fuel in that classroom as those children waited. Some just stood and fiddled with lunch boxes, some got quiet and withdrew into themselves, some fidgety and less able to stand still, some could no longer find their ‘indoor voices’ and needed to raise the subconscious alarm with their ‘other’ voices.
I wondered how long before their designated lunch time those tummies had been quietly rumbling; how long had they been distracted from their 5-year-old jobs; how long had they found it harder to ‘play nicely with kind hands’, because they were becoming driven by a different internal biochemical landscape?
It’s funny what you remember.
Food is so important, affecting attention, behaviour and social skills.
How we fuel our children has immediate impact…and potentially long lasting memories!
Nov 5, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Inspiration, School, Uncategorized
This summer (yes, I know it seems a long time ago now) a friend introduced me to the world of ‘Bejeweled’.
I am not a big fan of computer games, but I was stuck on a long haul flight to the U.S., and with another 9 hours to go, was happy to explore something new.
So that was it, a few rounds on a plane…. a few more on the way home…. downloaded the app and I can reassure you that after the initial-incredibly-addictive-phase, it is now definitely firmly in its place as a well controlled go-to when I choose to play every now and again.
What struck me the most as I was getting better at playing, moving around the different shaped gems and going up through the stages of games, were the words. It is a game PACKED with positive re-inforcement.
So far my games have been interrupted while my screen has been plastered with one of the following
- GOOD
- NICE
- COOL
- SPLENDID
- EXCELLENT
- AWESOME
- MAGNIFICENT
- OUTSTANDING
I like feedback – especially positive feedback! One simple word can convey so much.
And I am a grown up – I know it is just a computer game, but it has had me really reflecting on the frequency of positive words that I hear sprinkled into conversations with children by their parents and school staff.
It is not rocket science to know that children like hearing positive things, knowing they have done well, that you like them, that you notice the effort they are putting into something, that you are cheering for them.
If a computer game can pop out such a variety of positive encouragements…. I have to ask…
- What is our frequency of positivity?
- How often do we use these positive words in our interactions with children?
- How wide is our vocabulary of encouragement or praise?
- Is our bar a bit too high?
- Do we expect miracles before we squeeze out an occasional ‘good job’ or ‘well done’?
I wonder what might happen to the children around us if we started to use more and more of these in our conversations with them – might they want to ‘play the game’ more and more?
Might they get a triple bonus –(1) the pride of their own action AND (2) being noticed by someone AND (3) hearing encouragement for something they have done?
CHALLENGE:
Have you ever played POSITIVES BINGO with your children or class?
Work out a grid of positive words like the ones above, and give the children a copy each.
Whenever they hear you (the adult) use one of those words in a day (or long journey, shopping trip, lesson etc), they get to cross it off. So often we get the children to change their behaviour and we may or may not notice…this way round their role-model adults show them how it is done. I’d love to hear how it goes if you dare … 😉
PS If you have also played Bejeweled and have had other positive encouragements I haven’t encountered yet, do let me know!
Oct 20, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, School, Trauma, Uncategorized
You know those games where you get to see 1 small area of a picture and you have to guess who the celebrity is, or where the place is, or what the catchphrase is…?
Well I would like to make a proposal… And it is this:
– that we would stop playing games with our children.
Eh? What do I mean?
Let me explain.
What do you see?
Very often I am asked to help a school or parent, because there is a child who is causing great concern. That school or parent can fill me in on exactly all the details about that child that are concerning them. Mostly these details are about behaviour.
To quote a certain game-show host, they “say what they see”. 
And then they look at me in a particular way…or as one parent said to me recently – “so what can happen (what can you do) to fix this?”
I knew he wanted the best for his child, and himself. He wanted the outbursts to stop, and the child to be compliant and respectful… I just couldn’t and wouldn’t bring myself to play that game.
If you have ever asked me for ideas to support a particular child I have never seen, and don’t know about… You will know I won’t do it 😉 (it happens mostly at the end of training events, usually preceded by the words ‘can I just ask you….’)
Why won’t I take that conversation further? Why wouldn’t I immediately give that teacher or parent a list of things to do to change his child’s behaviour? It is simple. I wasn’t ready to give him an answer – If I don’t have enough of the picture, I won’t play catchphrase with children’s lives. They are more important and deserve more respect than that.
Get the bigger picture
What I will do, if the parent or school are willing to work with me (and it is so precious when I do get this chance!), is help the key people involved explore the real issues … And we will together pan out our focus from just looking at a child and expand our view to see the bigger picture…all the different, contributing pieces. And here is the challenge… because in doing this we might need to include in our view the people around the child at school and home, stress levels and causes, dynamics between others in the family, past experiences, food, sleep and mental health of key carers… etc etc etc.
Why is this necessary? Because any particular behaviour of a child can be rooted in a million different reasons, and it is not my place to pick any one of them out of a hat and give suggestions that will impact that child’s life based on guess work. The wrong advice could be as emotionally dangerous as prescribing antibiotics to someone who is allergic to them.
Sometimes a child will appear to have ADHD when their body is pumped with stress hormones because they are constantly worried about what is going to happen to mum while they are not there to keep check on her.
Sometimes a child may appear to have autism because he struggles with change and chooses to focus on just 1 main thing to play with…because his world has been full of chaos (boundaries changing, adults not following through on what they say, routine all over the place, emotional turmoil in key carer) and that is his one way to try and keep things predictable in life.
Would it be fair to diagnose a child with ADHD when really it is parent’s financial stresses that lead to arguments and vibes that are causing him to feel like he is living in a war zone at home, and so he can’t concentrate or sit still at school?
“It’s good but it’s not right.”
I have known children be misdiagnosed with various conditions and given medications to subdue their behaviour. It happens too often. It breaks my heart when a child is being given unnecessary drugs that do change them, the way covering up a screaming smoke alarm will muffle the hideous sound but won’t find or deal with the fire.
If you are prepared to make judgments about a child from looking only at one piece of their picture you are playing roulette with someone’s life… it is always easier to look at and judge a child rather than have to look at ourselves, and consider whether we are the real focal point that they are just responding to. Trying to label and change a child is easier than trying to understand them and if necessary change ourselves or our circumstances.
Guesses at what to do to change the child might ‘work’ for a time but they may also fit the other famous catchphrase of that game-show host “it’s good but it’s not right”.
THANK YOU !!
I want to say a public thank you to each and every parent and teacher, school staff member and even grandparent I have worked with over the years who have had the courage and honesty to let themselves be seen as part of the child’s real picture, and made their own changes so a child didn’t get misunderstood and was able to change naturally and authentically.
You may have changed the trajectory of their lives.
If you want to understand more about children’s behaviour then check out some more of the free resources on here and for the missing piece that most adults miss, get this book.
.
Jun 9, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Inspiration, Play Therapy, Resources, School, Trauma, Uncategorized
Fact – life is full of beginnings and endings
Fact – both beginnings and ending can be precious or painful, significant or nondescript.
The kind of endings I am thinking about right now, are the ones that you know are coming, the ones you get to do a count down to, the ones that, even though you would quite like them not to happen, and for things not to change from how they are now, you also realize they are going to happen, things are going to change and that’s how it is.
In fact in truth, sometimes these endings are, in part OK – there is an excitement about what might come next and the adventurer in me, who likes to develop and grow and evolve is fully accepting of this season of counting down to the next chapter… Let me explain.
I have been doing all my clinical work for the last 7 years in the same room. It is a lovely, lovely room. Both adults and children often comment how safe and calm and peaceful it feels – for one boy “it is my best place in the world”. I like it in here too. Special things happen here.
I found out a few weeks ago that my days here are numbered. Literally. I know when the end of this term is and the date of the day I will work here, pack up and leave – not to come back to work in this place in this way again.
I feel sad. As I sit here in the peace on my own, no clients imminent, I have to acknowledge I have so many memories. Tiny tots, KS 1s, KS 2s, KS 3s, parents, teachers, other professionals have all had special moments in here.
I look round the room at my tool kit – the memories of different people who had breakthrough in expressing themselves with different toys and tools.
There is more than I can remember. Special things. Moments. Memories. Treasures. So why do I feel so sad? Because they have been special and leaving a special place or ending a special time is hard. I am grateful for all the lives that have changed though the journey’s people have felt safe enough to take in this room. I am grateful for the privilege of even having access to a clinical room for 7 years.
I am human. I have connected with people and this place – just as children connect with their teachers and classrooms. I hope the treasures – the memories and moments that have happened in groups and classroom communities over the last academic year will be able to be collected, heard, remembered.
I hope that the ‘do you remember when…’ game I am playing on my own due to confidentiality (with highlights being shared with my clinical supervisor!) – will be well played out loud in the communities in schools and families…and given proper time so each memory can be honored.
Ending well is such a special healthy process. It is like grieving while the person is still alive…. The biggest gift we have though is the time and chance to say what this place / person has meant to us, before we have to say goodbye. So often in life we try to not talk about the endings, put all our focus on the ‘transition’ to the new thing, or leave it until the last minute when we can’t really process the emotions as we are too busy doing the practical.
It happens in life. It happens in schools each year.
This time is important. These memories are special and the feelings we go through as we realize just how much, are to be honored and expressed.
Before we really start a transition, and looking to the future, let’s all give ourselves time to see what we remember …. and acknowledge and celebrate all that has been.
May 29, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, School, Uncategorized
When you get invited to spend 12 days visiting your best friends’ family in Trinidad, you go – yes?
I have always been fascinated by different cultures – I think it probably goes back to when I was little and my Dad used to be away with his work a lot. He would bring home various gifts for us all…and often one of my pressies was a doll in the native dress of whichever country he had been in. I loved that collection – and over the years it got quite big!
So there I am – in a country and culture VERY different to my own – and my ‘noticing’ was on overdrive!
- I noticed the heat (between 30-35 degrees daily)
- The sights – NOT the tropical beaches most people immediately thought of when they heard I was going to the Caribbean ;-), but the eclectic variety of a developing country – shacks to skyscrapers.
- The sounds – cars, people, dogs, music, radio, laughing, LOUD
- The speed of life – mostly slower!! (See heat above…)
- The interactions – open, blunt, direct, definitely NOT politically correct as the British would know it!
- The vegetation – things were growing here I had never seen before – i was constantly asking ‘what’s that?’
- The food – tastes – mostly utterly amazing! I noticed the carbs and fried staples eaten for breakfast, lunch, dinner and anywhere in-between.
- The responses and attention paid to rules / laws / boundaries – or lack there of, for the preference for personal freedom at all costs.
- The levels of violence – domestic abuse is rife, drugs and gangs feature significantly, gun shots, death, are in the paper and down the street.
- The passions – for sports (yes mostly cricket), politics, parties and ‘liming’- sitting around just being together and chatting.
Somebody said once “our culture is like the air we breathe or the water we swim in” – we don’t notice it, but it has a huge impact on us.
I firmly believe each country and culture in the world has a strength – a positive gift it can give to the world, and an area where it can receive help from other cultures in the world. If we can see it.
As I shared some of my ‘noticings’ with people who live in Trinidad – my comments (not judgments, just noticings) about the way life happens there – were often met with laughter, acknowledgement, or surprise that I was even noticing it as something to comment on – i.e. ‘that is just how it is here’.
And it got me reflecting on the impact of culture.
Each household has a culture. Each family has a culture. Each school has a culture.
The silent, unspoken air-we-breathe ‘this-is-just-how-it-is-here’ is part of all groups, teams, communities. Children are growing up being affected by the invisible cultures around them. Adults are working in communities, each with invisible cultures that are having an impact on them.
- What are the key elements of the culture in your family?
- What are the key elements of culture in your school?
- What are the ‘this is how we do things here’ elements of your classroom?
- What are the positive aspects of that culture? The elements to celebrate?
- Are there any elements that you wish were different?
- How intentional are you about creating a culture for your community?
- Are you even aware that you are existing in a culture in each community you belong to?
Sometimes it takes a visit outside of our own situation, or hearing from a visitor, to be able to ‘notice things’ afresh – to get some new eyes – to learn more about ourselves and who we really want to be.
When adults need to ‘make it stop’ it is often because they are operating out of fear (because they don’t understand what is happening). They insist, they control, they dominate. The behaviour stops. The adult feels better. The adult has ‘won’. They were fighting…the adult vs the strange behaviour….and the thing that was threatening them has now gone. Good.
I won’t play…
