Nov 2, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Resources, School, Sleep, Trauma, Uncategorized
I’m pretty sure it is not just me getting older, but I have been really struck over recent years by the amount of ‘Halloween’ in the shops and on the telly.
I’m not just talking about pumpkins and broomsticks. It seems that a more prolific and much darker element to costumes and decorations has swept through even the tamest of shops. TV programs on at prime time family viewing have had some really effective, but scary looking make up.
This year has been a long run up (I saw my first Halloween thing in a shop in August!!) to an event so many people have mixed views on…but love it or hate it, nobody, big or small, living an everyday life has been able to escape from it.
But now it is November. The parties and trick or treating are finished. It is over, and we can all start to focus on fireworks and Advent calendars… right? (Whilst possibly still munching through the masses of carving-leftover, pumpkin-based food items still in fridges/freezers).
One of the things that I have seen over and over again through my many years as a children’s therapist, is that what goes in the ‘eye gate’ stays in, until it can get properly processed.
We all understand that children shouldn’t be watching 18 horror films.
We know that certain images are not appropriate for little eyes.
But we seem to forget that what we as adults find OK, can be terrifying for children…and I’m not just talking about X-rated, or seriously scary stuff.
This is why it was so important to speak out about the impact the graphic
HEADBOMZ campaign was having on some kids.
…are just some of the TV programs children I have worked with, have watched and been bothered by. Then there are the films or computer games, and images on social media – all affecting children enough that they need to reprocess what they have seen in
play therapy sessions.
[Incidentally these are things that
no adult has EVER mentioned in referral meetings as something the child is struggling with].
I know that for many children the chance to dress up and pretend to be something scary is just lots of fun.
However, just in case you are around a child who has been bothered by what they saw in relation to Halloween, or any other time of year, the tips below might help.
How to help a child stop being bothered by something fictional they have seen.
Understand:
Be aware that if they have been affected by something on TV, Youtube, online else where or something in a shop that has been referred to by an adult or another child as ‘just make up‘ or ‘just a costume’ or ‘just an advert‘, admitting it has scared them will be 100 times harder.
Understand:
If you tease a child for being scared, if you tell them they are being silly and there is nothing to be scared of or in any other way let them know you don’t think they should be scared, then it is likely they will not feel understood by you. It is fine for you to be clear you are not scared, but if you make them wrong for being scared when they ARE feeling scared and now they are SCARED AND WRONG, and therefore it is not safe to open up to you.
Understand:
Fears that are not expressed outwardly, get trapped and distorted, and for children, often end up becoming
nightmares. It is quite possible that children who are becoming more reluctant to head to bed in these next few days and weeks may be suffering from bad dreams because of something they have seen in the last few days weeks.
Acknowledge:
Everyone gets scarred by different things. That is a fact. There isn’t one person who is never, never scared.
Hiding the things we find scary makes them bigger inside us and makes it feel like they have more power.
Consider:
We can get them out in the open. Drawing or talking about or making them in play doh, junk-modelling boxes etc with people we feel safe with, is like putting the light on and they often shrink down to size. It also gives us chance to think about -or make up- their possible weaknesses (for the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz it was water).
Explain:
Talk about the fact that however old we are, sometimes when we have seen something not nice on TV it can end up in our head when we are awake or in our dreams.
Create:
Ask the child to think about something that would be more powerful than the scary monster, witch, zombie etc. It can be a made-up something of course. Get them to describe in detail what makes that new power so powerful. If possible, if they feel safe with you, get them to draw it, make it (with your help?), talk and talk about it.
Create:
Then offer them the chance to create a story where the scary thing meets the good powerful thing..and let them decide how the good powerful thing will deal with the scary thing. (For many this will involve some method of killing it.)
Reflect:
Simply wonder out loud in a curious, but not interrogatory way, “I wonder how it feels to know that the …..(good powerful thing) was more powerful than the scary thing?” and then really listen to what the child says.
Let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear in the comments below or send me a
private message.
Let’s vanquish the monsters and let creative light shine to over power darkness.
Mar 3, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Resources, School, Uncategorized
The other day I overheard a child tell his teacher he didn’t want to go home. Why not? “Because it’s boring.” As soon as I heard him I started to wonder what he really meant. I never got to find out as the teacher started cajoling him with all the exciting things he could do at home that evening.
We all say what we mean all the time, yes?
I’m sure you do, and I will admit that at times I might not completely either. 😉
Children are no different. At times it’s obvious – ‘it wasn’t me’ said with chocolate-covered-face, and other times a whole lot more subtle.
I don’t like geography! Why not? It’s boring.
I don’t like play time. Why not? It’s boring.
I don’t want to go home. Why not? It’s boring.
I don’t want to go to school. Why not? It’s boring.
I don’t want to be in the football team anymore. Why not? It’s boring.
You bored yet?!
If you are around children at all, this one may seem obvious, but it is a keeper for cracking the code of child communication: when a child says “it’s boring” that may not be what they really mean.
There are occasions when a child might accurately and appropriately use the word boring. However, in my experience, 80-90% of the time BORING is code for ….. All sorts of things.
Boy Hiding Behind Door — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis
I can’t do it.
I feel scared.
I don’t understand.
Children pick on me.
I don’t have any friends.
The teacher shouts a lot.
I don’t feel safe.
I don’t like what happens there.
I’m scared of getting it wrong…
I’m scared…
The little one I overheard wasn’t encouraged or inspired by thoughts of what he could do that evening.
He had reached out in code and not been understood.
The teacher was talking a different language.
Answering a child with solutions for why home, football, school or anywhere else isn’t really boring, or listing off things they can do to make it not boring could be missing the precious point.
How can you reply to this statement when you don’t know what it really means?
I don’t think you can. And instead of guessing and trying or assuming, I wonder what might happen if we, the grown-ups, put all our energy into acknowledging there might be some code language going on, and be willing to engage further.
If a child reaches out to us in code, we can’t assume that they want us to help them decipher it, but we could surely foster an attitude of curiosity and wonder what they have hiding behind their ‘Boring’.
There are certain things we can say and do that increase or decrease communication at times like this. If you want to get better at dancing through these moments in a way that builds trust and keeps the child emotionally safe, try out some of the 5 Communications Cues for getting Beyond Boring that are available download for FREE. Print them off and keep to hand for when you need a reminder.
5 Communiction Cues to Move Beyond “it’s boring” Get FREE download here
Meaning what you say
and saying what you mean is a hard thing to learn… for all of us when we aren’t sure of the response we will get.
Feb 20, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Inspiration, Play Therapy, Real Life Stories, School, testimonial, Trauma, Uncategorized
I don’t think I have ever shared direct words from any of my clients before. I have thought long and hard about doing it now, and the reason I am sharing what this incredible boy wrote as part of our closing process, was because HE wanted it shared. The idea that his experience can inspire school staff to know that children can change, was really important to him. The idea that others – even adults – who still find themselves journeying through PTSD, could be encouraged by his words and his journey was equally important.
“Since working with Claire I have changed in many different ways. I have changed the way I act around people. I have changed the way I see things. Everyday I think about how much Claire has helped me come to be who I always tried to be, how I don’t try to be any body, I don’t even try to be myself – I just be the person I am.
I used to say the words PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) like I had to say it or like I had to make everybody know that I have PTSD, however now I have changed. I no longer wear a badge that says ‘I have PTSD’ because I don’t. I am not ashamed of having had PTSD nor am I proud. I don’t think about PTSD and I havent even spoke about it in so long because I don’t need to anymore. I feel free from and unleashed from the horrible badge called PTSD.
My time with Claire has been an unforgettable experience and has been a roller coaster, not always easy and not always fun, but for sure it’s one of those one-time life-time changing experiences you just can’t say no to.”
Boy, aged 12,Shared with permission – as he hoped it might encourage others with PTSD that things can change.
Feb 7, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Resources, School
What can seem like such a small thing can actually have a massive impact on a child.
When a child is working with a therapist in school, when that therapist cannot be there HOW THE MESSAGE is communicated to that child is CRUCIAL.
I know from personal experience what can happen if this is not done well. For one boy it meant he no longer had trust in me and shut down his therapy sessions all together. (The full story is here).
I have seen this situation mishandled in schools since and it has bothered me enough to put together a short guide which you can download now for FREE.
- Understand WHY this is such a big deal
- Procedures ALL your key staff (including admin team) to follow when this happens
- WHO should communicate with the child, HOW and WHERE
- EXACTLY what to SAY to keep the child as emotionally safe as possible
- Other things to consider around this time
Get FREE download
“This is a great document that will be really useful for staff to see the gravity of their/ our actions and the impact it might have on a child.”
HEAD TEACHER, Staffs
“This is an extremely useful document that I am about to pass on to all the schools I work in. Easy to read and understand and something that all schools and other organisations who employ play therapists should read.”
PLAY THERAPIST, Cambs
“Thanks so much for this. It’s brilliant! Thank you for enabling us all to share this in our practice and well done for putting together such a concise and helpful piece of work.”
CREATIVE ARTS THERAPIST, Bradford
Feb 6, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Real Life Stories, School, Trauma
Any professional play therapist working in a school or other setting will have a set of procedures that their colleagues know to follow if, for any reason, they cannot be there unexpectedly.
I went through my procedures with every single school who referred children to me, during the pre-clinical phase of setting up work with each child.
Not sure what a good procedure should be in this case? Click here for a free download that will explain all.
The sessions with this particular client had taken a while to get set up; the meeting with school was ok, but the parent meeting got scheduled and cancelled twice before we changed tack and the school got Dad’s consent and initial SDQ completed over the phone.
I was just 3 weeks in, and already had a special place in my professional heart for this street-savvy boy. With a background of pain and chaos, I remember him still being too cool for school, but starting to open up to the possibility of a relationship – enough to ask me about my experiences and what I thought about stuff…
It was early days, but it was looking good, and I was hopeful.
Then I was ill.
A special combo of laryngitis and pharyngitis had me in bed with no voice and feeling rubbish. I had a week off work. I made the necessary calls and emails, I did everything I could to let the key people for each of my clients know it was time to follow the procedure I had outlined at the start of my work.
This was the only occasion where for whatever reason, the message I left didn’t get passed on. I understand that schools are busy places. I know that school staff on average deal with a million or a billion, (or is it a bazillion?!) things each day. I know that even with the best intentions, it is easy for things to get missed. It is just a shame that this was the thing.
It got missed.
The message didn’t get passed on,
The child was brought to the venue by his support worker.
They couldn’t get in.
There was no answer to their knocking.
I can only imagine, what that experience may have been like for him.
This woman who he had started to like and started to trust, was suddenly not there for him. He didn’t know why. He would likely have felt stupid, but that would have been the least of it. The sense of abandonment, confusion, shame, anger and bewilderment may have been acute. His special Gran had died 2 months before, and his mum – an addict – had left him years before. My sudden absence; the hat trick confirming to him that women leave you and that people are not to be trusted.
When I came back to work the next week, unaware of what had happened (some schools’ communication with external workers is truly stunning), expecting him to turn up for his session….now I was the one left waiting.
It turned out he was digging his heels in at school and refusing to come. They didn’t know why– ‘he’s been fine every other week’.
He agreed to come the week after, and told me that he was not coming any more. We explored a good enough crisis ending. He heard my apology for not being there, my understanding that it must have been horrible for him and my sadness that the message I had left for him never got to him, which he seemed to hear… But his mind was set. This was the end and I didn’t blame him.
Want to ensure children you know don’t go through this experience? This free download will tell you what to say and do to support them best.
I have often thought about him since. Wondering if he has had opportunity to find someone who he feels safe enough with to develop a therapeutic process and start to heal his pain? Wondering what might have happened if my illness had occurred further into our therapeutic journey when we had established a stronger relationship – strong enough to work through what the experience meant for him? Wondering what would have happened if I had not been ill?
I know it is unrealistic to expect that we can never be ill. However, I do believe that those of us in jobs where we work with hurting children, have a duty of care to ensure we are doing all we can to ensure our health is as optimal as it can be. It is not just about minimizing the time we are off work, but reducing time when we are there in body, but not physically able to be fully present with them, distracted by coughing, pain, etc. Children always know if we are ‘not normal’, and it often worries them. And obviously, no-one appreciates the germ spreaders – self care when we are ill has to be a priority for all sorts of reasons. Who we are always has an impact on the children we work with.
Things to Consider
? DOES your setting have procedures that are clearly followed when a visiting practitioner can no longer attend a session but a child is expecting them?
? DO the staff in your setting understand the impact their absence can have on certain children? (and let’s be honest -some will be thrilled if it means they don’t have to do PE or music or that test or whatever else… but others really will be wobbling inside).
? DO your admin/office staff understand the importance of their part in information sharing in these circumstances?
? DO you ever consider if a child has had a strange behaviour episode – whether it may be related to someone they connect with being away?
? Want something to pass on to your Senco / deputy head / admin / key staff to have to hand should this happen at your place? Click here for the Free Guide to what to say and do when a therapist is absent.
Jul 7, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Play Therapy, School, Sleep, Trauma
I don’t watch much TV, but yesterday I caught 2 interviews that moved me.
The first was a politician in local government who had taken up the cause over the last 2 years, of numerous people who had been sexually abused as children.
The second was a firefighter – one of the first responders to the London Underground on July 7th, 2005.
Q : What could these 2 men living at opposite ends of the country, have in common?
A : Both of them were in a state of post traumatic stress as a result of the work they do.
So often we think of ‘trauma’ as being connected with things that happen in personal lives. Maybe abuse…or being a direct victim in a horrific life-threatening experience.
We understand that the military are exposed to traumatic situations in their ‘day job’ when they head to the front line. Sadly, many people still think PTSD is only really associated with war veterans.
However, there are so many professionals doing jobs that require them to put themselves in the line of life-threatening danger… Or require them to deal with horrific scenes…. Or get their heads around the details of the worst of society.
The TV interviewer made some comments about people not really thinking of a politician developing PTSD and co-morbid depression through his work. And maybe there are many other jobs that people don’t think could lead into the muddy pit of PTSD…
For example, would people outside of education think that those working closely with families and children in main-stream schools could be at risk of secondary trauma?
Infact, do those INSIDE those very same, local, down-the-end-of-my-road, mainstream primaries have any concept of how this is increasingly becoming an occupational hazard?
As anyone who has heard me speak about this will know…Secondary Trauma, or Vicarious Trauma is real and powerful.
Flashbacks, poor sleep, altered moods, increased aggression, depression, tension, trouble concentrating, relationship break downs, addiction, not being able to switch off and be fully present away from work, needing to talk over and over about things, or not speaking at all, are just a few possible symptoms.
Child & family support workers, mentors, inclusion teams, TAs, LSAs, teachers, heads, deputies, child protection officers, therapists… anyone who gets close to children and families and their stories, are all at risk.
The impact of trauma is huge – some are calling it an epidemic in our time.
Around the world, military are increasingly being prepared: being educated, being helped to build their resilience and being equipped with tools to reduce the impact of trauma on their bodies and minds BEFORE they go to the field.
Today is the tenth anniversary of the 7/7 terrorist attacks on London.
It’s a wild and ‘out-there’ kind of thought I know, but wouldn’t it be amazing, as part of the positive legacy of that and all the other events that have taken or altered so many lives here in UK, for all workers in jobs where they are at risk of secondary trauma, to get the education they need to be fully aware and the equipping with tools that really work, to help them be ready and to minimize their risk of developing PTSD from their day-job?
‘You can say I’m a dreamer…. ‘
…but it feels like the right thing to do.
The honoring thing for employers to offer,
….and the wisest economic decision too.
I’m proud to be working with schools choosing to journey in this very direction. It’s a start!
I’m not just talking about pumpkins and broomsticks. It seems that a more prolific and much darker element to costumes and decorations has swept through even the tamest of shops. TV programs on at prime time family viewing have had some really effective, but scary looking make up.
