Nov 2, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Resources, School, Sleep, Trauma, Uncategorized
I’m pretty sure it is not just me getting older, but I have been really struck over recent years by the amount of ‘Halloween’ in the shops and on the telly.
I’m not just talking about pumpkins and broomsticks. It seems that a more prolific and much darker element to costumes and decorations has swept through even the tamest of shops. TV programs on at prime time family viewing have had some really effective, but scary looking make up.
This year has been a long run up (I saw my first Halloween thing in a shop in August!!) to an event so many people have mixed views on…but love it or hate it, nobody, big or small, living an everyday life has been able to escape from it.
But now it is November. The parties and trick or treating are finished. It is over, and we can all start to focus on fireworks and Advent calendars… right? (Whilst possibly still munching through the masses of carving-leftover, pumpkin-based food items still in fridges/freezers).
One of the things that I have seen over and over again through my many years as a children’s therapist, is that what goes in the ‘eye gate’ stays in, until it can get properly processed.
We all understand that children shouldn’t be watching 18 horror films.
We know that certain images are not appropriate for little eyes.
But we seem to forget that what we as adults find OK, can be terrifying for children…and I’m not just talking about X-rated, or seriously scary stuff.
This is why it was so important to speak out about the impact the graphic
HEADBOMZ campaign was having on some kids.
…are just some of the TV programs children I have worked with, have watched and been bothered by. Then there are the films or computer games, and images on social media – all affecting children enough that they need to reprocess what they have seen in
play therapy sessions.
[Incidentally these are things that
no adult has EVER mentioned in referral meetings as something the child is struggling with].
I know that for many children the chance to dress up and pretend to be something scary is just lots of fun.
However, just in case you are around a child who has been bothered by what they saw in relation to Halloween, or any other time of year, the tips below might help.
How to help a child stop being bothered by something fictional they have seen.
Understand:
Be aware that if they have been affected by something on TV, Youtube, online else where or something in a shop that has been referred to by an adult or another child as ‘just make up‘ or ‘just a costume’ or ‘just an advert‘, admitting it has scared them will be 100 times harder.
Understand:
If you tease a child for being scared, if you tell them they are being silly and there is nothing to be scared of or in any other way let them know you don’t think they should be scared, then it is likely they will not feel understood by you. It is fine for you to be clear you are not scared, but if you make them wrong for being scared when they ARE feeling scared and now they are SCARED AND WRONG, and therefore it is not safe to open up to you.
Understand:
Fears that are not expressed outwardly, get trapped and distorted, and for children, often end up becoming
nightmares. It is quite possible that children who are becoming more reluctant to head to bed in these next few days and weeks may be suffering from bad dreams because of something they have seen in the last few days weeks.
Acknowledge:
Everyone gets scarred by different things. That is a fact. There isn’t one person who is never, never scared.
Hiding the things we find scary makes them bigger inside us and makes it feel like they have more power.
Consider:
We can get them out in the open. Drawing or talking about or making them in play doh, junk-modelling boxes etc with people we feel safe with, is like putting the light on and they often shrink down to size. It also gives us chance to think about -or make up- their possible weaknesses (for the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz it was water).
Explain:
Talk about the fact that however old we are, sometimes when we have seen something not nice on TV it can end up in our head when we are awake or in our dreams.
Create:
Ask the child to think about something that would be more powerful than the scary monster, witch, zombie etc. It can be a made-up something of course. Get them to describe in detail what makes that new power so powerful. If possible, if they feel safe with you, get them to draw it, make it (with your help?), talk and talk about it.
Create:
Then offer them the chance to create a story where the scary thing meets the good powerful thing..and let them decide how the good powerful thing will deal with the scary thing. (For many this will involve some method of killing it.)
Reflect:
Simply wonder out loud in a curious, but not interrogatory way, “I wonder how it feels to know that the …..(good powerful thing) was more powerful than the scary thing?” and then really listen to what the child says.
Let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear in the comments below or send me a
private message.
Let’s vanquish the monsters and let creative light shine to over power darkness.
Jun 26, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Resources, School, Trauma
This time of year is significant for many reasons. Football tournaments, Tennis tournaments, National and International athletics championships…(I’m not going to mention the obvious politically ‘interesting’ time in the UK at the moment)…
But for those schools who are mindful of the precious children within their communities who find things extra hard because of what they have been through in life, this is a very VERY significant time.
Why?
Because these are the days when many schools are making the decisions on which teacher a particular child would be best put with next year.
I have lost count how many times over years, I have been asked for my opinion concerning a child in this regard. Either through working with the child in therapy, or through the consultancy roles I have focusing on advising a school in how best to support a child.
For some schools I know, it is not an option. For some schools there is no choice. A one-form entry school where teachers stay the same, year on year, are unlikely to do a complete cabinet reshuffle for the sake of 1 child.
For some schools the decisions are made on other criteria – staffing structures, timetables, class histories, teacher ‘experience’ etc etc
However, the amount of times I have been asked this, lets me know there are schools out there who are really considering things from a child’s perspective. They have some flexibility – there are some options and they honestly want to do what is best for that particular child, whilst doing their best by ALL the others too. They know it matters.
Often (but not exclusively) the question often comes up when there is a decision to be made between placing a child in a 1-teacher class, or a class who have 2 teachers doing a job-share (which seems to be becoming more and more common?).
Traditional wisdom, based in attachment theory, will say that the child who has experienced trauma would be best off in the class with 1 teacher. 1 person to get to know, 1 persons’ way and rules and personality to navigate, less change, less chance of ‘falling down the gap’ between the 2 staff members etc etc. I understand all the reasons and the rational.
HOWEVER, there are times when my advice is different. If all things are equal , then yes go with the 1 teacher-class option. BUT if the staff members are significantly different in terms of the ENERGY they have, and how easily children feel safe around them, then you need to choose safety over consistency.
Below are my top 7 suggestions for choosing the best type of teacher to place a child who has experienced / is experiencing trauma. For more of the theory behind this come join either Essential Therapeutic Communication Skills or Helping Children stay Emotionally Safe in School training.
My TOP 7 factors for choosing the best next teacher are:-
- teacher/s who are more grounded in themselves
- teacher/s who have good personal boundaries and therefore classroom management
- teacher/s who are more emotionally empathetic
- teacher/s that are willing to receive support and work with advice (which may also include looking at their own ‘stuff‘ and changing their practice a bit).
- teacher/s that are keen to learn and apply what they learn about trauma to their own practice and class environment
- teacher/s that like the child and want to help him/her thrive
- teacher/s that are not scared of the child
If a long-standing member of staff who knows the curriculum inside out and upside down, does not meet these criteria then I would recommend choosing a more in-experienced teacher who has good classroom management and does match these attributes.
In the ‘1-teacher Vs job-share’ debate situations, if the single teacher does not meet these, and either or both of the job sharers do, then they would be my recommendation.
WHY ?
These children more than any (although they all do actually, to different outcomes) work on energy. They can detect at a million miles if you are calm, if you are stressed, if you like them, if you don’t. If they don’t feel safe with you, then their neurology and physiology change and make learning with you really hard.
Some staff get this intuitively.
Some are willing to understand it.
Some are willing to put the effort in to make themselves more grounded – to be better practitioners and safer for these children to be around.
Some are not.
Mar 3, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Resources, School, Uncategorized
The other day I overheard a child tell his teacher he didn’t want to go home. Why not? “Because it’s boring.” As soon as I heard him I started to wonder what he really meant. I never got to find out as the teacher started cajoling him with all the exciting things he could do at home that evening.
We all say what we mean all the time, yes?
I’m sure you do, and I will admit that at times I might not completely either. 😉
Children are no different. At times it’s obvious – ‘it wasn’t me’ said with chocolate-covered-face, and other times a whole lot more subtle.
I don’t like geography! Why not? It’s boring.
I don’t like play time. Why not? It’s boring.
I don’t want to go home. Why not? It’s boring.
I don’t want to go to school. Why not? It’s boring.
I don’t want to be in the football team anymore. Why not? It’s boring.
You bored yet?!
If you are around children at all, this one may seem obvious, but it is a keeper for cracking the code of child communication: when a child says “it’s boring” that may not be what they really mean.
There are occasions when a child might accurately and appropriately use the word boring. However, in my experience, 80-90% of the time BORING is code for ….. All sorts of things.
Boy Hiding Behind Door — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis
I can’t do it.
I feel scared.
I don’t understand.
Children pick on me.
I don’t have any friends.
The teacher shouts a lot.
I don’t feel safe.
I don’t like what happens there.
I’m scared of getting it wrong…
I’m scared…
The little one I overheard wasn’t encouraged or inspired by thoughts of what he could do that evening.
He had reached out in code and not been understood.
The teacher was talking a different language.
Answering a child with solutions for why home, football, school or anywhere else isn’t really boring, or listing off things they can do to make it not boring could be missing the precious point.
How can you reply to this statement when you don’t know what it really means?
I don’t think you can. And instead of guessing and trying or assuming, I wonder what might happen if we, the grown-ups, put all our energy into acknowledging there might be some code language going on, and be willing to engage further.
If a child reaches out to us in code, we can’t assume that they want us to help them decipher it, but we could surely foster an attitude of curiosity and wonder what they have hiding behind their ‘Boring’.
There are certain things we can say and do that increase or decrease communication at times like this. If you want to get better at dancing through these moments in a way that builds trust and keeps the child emotionally safe, try out some of the 5 Communications Cues for getting Beyond Boring that are available download for FREE. Print them off and keep to hand for when you need a reminder.
5 Communiction Cues to Move Beyond “it’s boring” Get FREE download here
Meaning what you say
and saying what you mean is a hard thing to learn… for all of us when we aren’t sure of the response we will get.
Mar 1, 2016 | Emotional Wellbeing, Health, Inspiration, Resources, Trauma, TRE, Uncategorized
During our time here we have just one place to live – our earth suit – our body.
Sometimes we are so busy living, doing or surviving that we can forget or neglect our body, which may mean we are forgetting or neglecting ourselves.
Noticing can be the first step in becoming re-acquainted in the ongoing journey towards becoming truly grateful for our body, and yet even this can be a challenge.
I have worked with very special men and women who were doing brilliant things, yet struggled to notice themselves. For others traumatic experiences have led to years spent living in a state of disassociation from their body. Others have simply appreciated some help in carving out time to be still, refocus and improve noticing themselves.
I wrote and recorded this guided meditation with all these special people in mind – whilst being totally grateful for my own earth-suit : the part of me that I walk around in and be ‘me’ in.
I hope it is truly gift to you.
- GENTLE, yet POWERFUL
- NOTICE you in a new way
- Journey toward GRATITUDE
- Use at the end of TRE or other bodywork sessions
- START or END the day in gratitude
Get FREE MP3 Meditation
‘I am loving the meditation. I started using it daily, morning and evening – now I just do it every day when I get in from work. It has been a great introduction to my new healthy journey.
The meditation has helped me understand how important and amazing my body is and the correlation of mind, body and soul. It gives me a private, quiet, focused time to appreciate what I have and help me achieve what I want to do’
SCHOOL SUPPORT WORKER
“Love it!
Listened to it three times already…
Something really special about this.
Thanks for sending it.
Much needed.”
HEADTEACHER
“I listened to Body Gratitude last night (and this morning) and I found it lovely. The words were so well thought out and affirming.
I’ve listened to many meditations, usually as part of my end-of-day ritual and I really liked this one. I think it would be great at the end of a workout or before a creative project, but also a super way to start your day on a positive note. ”
THERAPEUTIC WORKER
Feb 7, 2016 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Play Therapy, Resources, School
What can seem like such a small thing can actually have a massive impact on a child.
When a child is working with a therapist in school, when that therapist cannot be there HOW THE MESSAGE is communicated to that child is CRUCIAL.
I know from personal experience what can happen if this is not done well. For one boy it meant he no longer had trust in me and shut down his therapy sessions all together. (The full story is here).
I have seen this situation mishandled in schools since and it has bothered me enough to put together a short guide which you can download now for FREE.
- Understand WHY this is such a big deal
- Procedures ALL your key staff (including admin team) to follow when this happens
- WHO should communicate with the child, HOW and WHERE
- EXACTLY what to SAY to keep the child as emotionally safe as possible
- Other things to consider around this time
Get FREE download
“This is a great document that will be really useful for staff to see the gravity of their/ our actions and the impact it might have on a child.”
HEAD TEACHER, Staffs
“This is an extremely useful document that I am about to pass on to all the schools I work in. Easy to read and understand and something that all schools and other organisations who employ play therapists should read.”
PLAY THERAPIST, Cambs
“Thanks so much for this. It’s brilliant! Thank you for enabling us all to share this in our practice and well done for putting together such a concise and helpful piece of work.”
CREATIVE ARTS THERAPIST, Bradford
Jun 9, 2015 | Children, Emotional Wellbeing, Inspiration, Play Therapy, Resources, School, Trauma, Uncategorized
Fact – life is full of beginnings and endings
Fact – both beginnings and ending can be precious or painful, significant or nondescript.
The kind of endings I am thinking about right now, are the ones that you know are coming, the ones you get to do a count down to, the ones that, even though you would quite like them not to happen, and for things not to change from how they are now, you also realize they are going to happen, things are going to change and that’s how it is.
In fact in truth, sometimes these endings are, in part OK – there is an excitement about what might come next and the adventurer in me, who likes to develop and grow and evolve is fully accepting of this season of counting down to the next chapter… Let me explain.
I have been doing all my clinical work for the last 7 years in the same room. It is a lovely, lovely room. Both adults and children often comment how safe and calm and peaceful it feels – for one boy “it is my best place in the world”. I like it in here too. Special things happen here.
I found out a few weeks ago that my days here are numbered. Literally. I know when the end of this term is and the date of the day I will work here, pack up and leave – not to come back to work in this place in this way again.
I feel sad. As I sit here in the peace on my own, no clients imminent, I have to acknowledge I have so many memories. Tiny tots, KS 1s, KS 2s, KS 3s, parents, teachers, other professionals have all had special moments in here.
I look round the room at my tool kit – the memories of different people who had breakthrough in expressing themselves with different toys and tools.
There is more than I can remember. Special things. Moments. Memories. Treasures. So why do I feel so sad? Because they have been special and leaving a special place or ending a special time is hard. I am grateful for all the lives that have changed though the journey’s people have felt safe enough to take in this room. I am grateful for the privilege of even having access to a clinical room for 7 years.
I am human. I have connected with people and this place – just as children connect with their teachers and classrooms. I hope the treasures – the memories and moments that have happened in groups and classroom communities over the last academic year will be able to be collected, heard, remembered.
I hope that the ‘do you remember when…’ game I am playing on my own due to confidentiality (with highlights being shared with my clinical supervisor!) – will be well played out loud in the communities in schools and families…and given proper time so each memory can be honored.
Ending well is such a special healthy process. It is like grieving while the person is still alive…. The biggest gift we have though is the time and chance to say what this place / person has meant to us, before we have to say goodbye. So often in life we try to not talk about the endings, put all our focus on the ‘transition’ to the new thing, or leave it until the last minute when we can’t really process the emotions as we are too busy doing the practical.
It happens in life. It happens in schools each year.
This time is important. These memories are special and the feelings we go through as we realize just how much, are to be honored and expressed.
Before we really start a transition, and looking to the future, let’s all give ourselves time to see what we remember …. and acknowledge and celebrate all that has been.
I’m not just talking about pumpkins and broomsticks. It seems that a more prolific and much darker element to costumes and decorations has swept through even the tamest of shops. TV programs on at prime time family viewing have had some really effective, but scary looking make up.
