You meet all sorts of people whilst out dog walking.
I met a man today who was wearing a jacket and shorts and trainers. I know it is now officially March – but I was wearing a T-shirt, hoodie, and fleece. I also had a woolly hat, jeans, thick socks and warm walking boots. The gauge in my car said 5 degrees. It snowed 2 days ago, and today I felt appropriately dressed. The way the wind was whipping across the open spaces, I was very glad I had my hat.
So back to the man in shorts. First time we passed, we smiled. Second time we passed I had to speak to him. He assured me he was absolutely fine in shorts. He never wears anything else – even in ‘-5’. He spent many of his working years (he is now retired) living abroad and wearing shorts. He doesn’t feel the cold…it’s all in your head. He doesn’t feel any pain either – that’s in your head too. He went on to tell me about his recent triple heart by-pass, and how when he came round he didn’t have pain – didn’t need any pain killers. But because the nurses were so insistent that he should be in pain (and everyone else on the ward was making lots of fuss about the pain in their chests) he gave in and told them ‘if it will make you feel better you can give me some paracetamol’. They did. The tablets ended up under his bed… 😉 And it got me thinking. This highly eloquent gentleman, was very clear in his attitude towards pain : he doesn’t feel it and that was a source of pride. Whilst I do agree there is a huge amount of power in our minds that we can use to change how we relate to pain, I wondered if he knew the other explanation as to why people don’t feel pain in their bodies.
THE OTHER EXPLANATION
Dissociation is a powerful survival technique that we all have at our disposal. A way to manage our selves when we are in overwhelming situations that are causing us high levels of physical or emotional pain, whether they are life threatening or not. ‘Out-of-body-experiences‘ whilst being sexually abused are a common expression of dissociation during trauma at any age. Children learn to dissociate if they are living through any kind of abuse. They often dissociate if they a living with domestic violence or other frightening scenarios in their homes. They often find that the only way to cope is to separate their mind away from their body. They stop paying attention to what is happening in reality right now – and go somewhere else in their heads. And it is not a conscious choice. It is how our subconscious helps us survive. And it is not just children. As a society, it was not that long ago that we inadvertently encouraged our children to learn to dissociate. Little boys, who were brought up with the ‘boys don’t cry’ message, learnt to deny and disconnect from pain because it wasn’t ok to have it – but it hurt. Those little boys are still living among us as dads and Granddads… Children who cut themselves with scissors or fall over, are bleeding but don’t notice, may well be exhibiting an indicator that they have learnt not to be fully connected with their body and all its sensations. Those children who can’t seem to tell the difference between fact and fantasy may be needing their fantasy to be real because it is safer than their actual reality. Adults can do the same – or different. Other indicators of dissociation I have seen in children and my adult clients (parents and professionals – all intelligent lovely people) include:-
not having feeling in their hands / feet / or head
being avid fiction readers
phasing out when talking
not hearing when I am talking to them
not being able to notice when they are hungry / thirsty
not noticing when they need the toilet
‘floating away into a nice place’ when doing yoga, meditating or even in the midst of a horrible situation
NB – this is not a diagnostic list of symptoms.
Just some of the particular elements of dissociation that people have incorporated into their lives and think are normal.
Dissociation is normal – it is normal and natural to become dissociated automatically when we are severely threatened. It is not a normal state to be in daily. Talking with my new friend made me curious. I would have loved to find out more about him and what he had been through in his life. If I see him again soon, one thing is certain, he’ll be easy to spot in his shorts.
Let’s Keep Talking
If you have any experiences of being dissociated yourself, noticing it in others, noticing it in children you are around I’d love to hear them. Similarly feel free to pop me any questions you may have about it in the comments below or here.
Sometimes things don’t work out the way you planned… As many of you will know, Hinton has been a big part of my life for the last 16 months (make that 20 if you want to include the 4 months of crazy excitement and preparation from decision day until he actually arrived!!) The plan was; be a puppy socialiser, and learn everything I can about that experience, then when he goes on to the next stage of his training to be an assistance dog, enjoy perusing my options and consider whether I
a) want to socialise another puppy
b) want to get a pet dog
c) have had enough of dogs through this chapter of life and am happy to move on to life’s next adventure dog free..
As I chose to take time to have a sabbatical from my clinical work, I knew I would need a stop-gap. Hinton was to be my sabbatical ‘project’. (Unbeknownst to me he was actually born on the first day of my sabbatical). He was a project. And some! I could write a book about everything I have learnt. However, this post is not about any of that, it is to let you all know that that plan;my plan, isn’t happening. Hinton is being withdrawn from the charity’s training program due to the challenges he has with his health. Now, if you are like every other person who I’ve told that to, your next thought will be
‘so are you going to keep him?‘
And there it is. The question that was SO BIG to me it ground me to a halt for a few days. I’m not exaggerating. To you it may seem strange, but I was overcome by the enormity of the decision… a decision I had never planned on having to make…the life-changing impact of something I had to use my voice to choose what next…
Sometimes life happens to us. Sometimes we need to use our voice to choose life.
I am grateful to have some people close to me who appreciated the bigness of my decision and gave me space and time to explore it from every angle. If we have experienced trauma of any kind in our past then it can be easy at times like this to take cover in our favourite survival pattern – run away, argue or hide and wait for it all to go away. Have you noticed what you do?
This decision needed to be made, and while I certainly had wisdom enough to put some self-care boundaries around it, to take the time I needed to make it, it had to be made. The decision wasn’t going anywhere. I had to get myself grounded, moving, thinking and processing and listening to my head, my heart, my spirit, my fears and my desires. These are the things I asked myself to help come to my decision.
What do I love in life ? What are my core passions, my values, the things that bring me life?
Does this change support me in being more me or less me?
Does this change mean I will grow forwards to new or go back to the old?
Do I feel what I am letting go of, has grown me or shrunk me?
Will the future I choose to move into grow me or shrink me?
What about this scares me? (Acknowledging that there is fear or that something is hard, doesn’t mean you don’t do it – you just get more clarity about the root of the fear and power to overcome it).
Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Or do the positives carry MORE WEIGHT than the negatives?
Am I ready to be responsible for me and the development of my life?
Am I ready to choose life?
AND to you..
In case you too are at a fork in the road, be it work, a relationship, or whether or not to keep a dog, hear me, yes it is a big decision. I know whatever you are facing, it’s an important decision. It is important because you are important. Join me, whether for you it is yes or no, find the courage to choose life 🙂
We all know that being around challenging children is HARD. Being involved in their lives means that we have a significant role we are playing – and yet it can sometimes mean we think that to be doing a good job we have to keep it all together and not let others know how hard we are finding it. We can be honest – but only a bit…
I wrote this several years ago, when Hinton was 9 months old. I wrote it for me and never intended to share it – but have decided I would, in case it resonates with anyone else out there doing significant work and finding it HARD right now.
HINTON DIARY – 9 Months
“So I cried today in a room of women and four-legged furry beauties. Why? I was done.
‘My furry boy’ is a real challenge at the moment – in ways that no one knows if they just look at him. In fact if you just look at him, you would say how gorgeous he is, and you would want to touch him (EVERYONE wants to touch him).
You would have no idea about what it is really like living with him at the moment. The stubbornness, the independence, the inescapable attraction for anything new, how unbelievably strong he is when he wants something, and then there is the sensitive tummy, sensitive temperament and unpredictable VERY mushy toileting.
My ‘boy’ is 9 months old and a real conundrum in so many ways. I’m not just saying it. He has had his trainer scratching her head more than once.
We went to our regular socialisers puppy class today.
It was clear to the trainer as soon as we arrived, that I needed some extra support and I didn’t deny it.
The trainer took him and I sat there with tears pouring down my face. Exhausted. It turns out that some dogs are like this when they hit teenage stage. It turns out that they are not all this hard, but some are. It turns out that in some ways he is very normal. It turns out that in some ways he is very different, and not all the standard ‘normal’ approaches are helpful for him.
It was lovely for them all to notice and comment on the good bits they see in him (he can do rocking sits and downs when he has a mind to, waits and stays are there too, and I think the stories of how he now copes with being handled, poked and prodded which he totally HATED a few months ago, actually really impressed them).
And that is it, the conundrum. He is not all bad. Not by a long shot. I wouldn’t swap him for any of the other pups. He is ‘my boy’ [for now] and we are going to work this through together, we will both be changed by it, and come through wiser.
That is where we are going. But to get there I needed today.
I needed to be around the wisdom of others who ACTUALLY KNOW what it is like being a puppy socialiser.
I needed to hear encouragement from others who ACTUALLY KNOW what it takes to be a puppy socialiser.
I needed to hear and receive affirmation of the good job I am doing with him from people who know the investment of time, energy and life it takes to train a pup like this.
I needed time out – even just a few minutes – of not being on the end of the lead, to regroup and get myself into a calm state again. Time to look at him from a different perspective and realise there was no other puppy in the room I would want to take home instead.
I needed to hear from people who are more experienced than me, that being at the end of myself did not mean I was a poor socialiser in anyway.
I needed to hear stories of the depths that others (who seemed to have it all together and appeared to know what they are doing) have been to with puppies they have socialised in the past – and to see one of them sitting there with the very same puppy, now calm and in control of himself, happy, snoozing and ready for the next stage of training.
And he needed time away from me. Right then, he needed time being handled by an expert. He needed support from someone who was calm and grounded, who could help him move on through those minutes in a positive way.
It takes a village to raise a child apparently. It surely takes a community to raise an assistance puppy.
So as I am writing, we are home now. He is asleep by my feet. Still gorgeous. Still a teenager. Still so much toddler.
Socializing an assistance puppy has to be up there with some of the hardest things I have ever done. But I’ve heard many parents say the same about parenting. I’ve heard many teachers say the same thing about teaching.
I am SO grateful for the support and expert training I have around me. While everyone wants to throw their two pennies worth of opinion at me – I know who I am choosing to listen to. I am learning so much about dogs, about people, about me, and I have chosen to change and grow through it all… Socialising my first assistance puppy IS an adventure and I’m not done yet.”
SO from one honest heart to another – let me ask you these 9 questions:-
Are you doing something significant?
From 1-10 how hard is it at the moment?
What is hard about it that no one else would know from the outside?
Do you compare yourself with others who appear to have it all together?
Who would you need to hear positives from to really receive and believe what they are saying?
When was the last time you had ‘time out’ away from those children?
What are the specific positives or developments that you can see are still in your children, even in the midst of a challenging phase?
What emotional support do you need?
What specific expert support do you need?
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I’m pretty sure it is not just me getting older, but I have been really struck over recent years by the amount of ‘Halloween’ in the shops and on the telly.
I’m not just talking about pumpkins and broomsticks. It seems that a more prolific and much darker element to costumes and decorations has swept through even the tamest of shops. TV programs on at prime time family viewing have had some really effective, but scary looking make up.
This year has been a long run up (I saw my first Halloween thing in a shop in August!!) to an event so many people have mixed views on…but love it or hate it, nobody, big or small, living an everyday life has been able to escape from it.
But now it is November. The parties and trick or treating are finished. It is over, and we can all start to focus on fireworks and Advent calendars… right? (Whilst possibly still munching through the masses of carving-leftover, pumpkin-based food items still in fridges/freezers).
One of the things that I have seen over and over again through my many years as a children’s therapist, is that what goes in the ‘eye gate’ stays in, until it can get properly processed.
We all understand that children shouldn’t be watching 18 horror films.
We know that certain images are not appropriate for little eyes.
But we seem to forget that what we as adults find OK, can be terrifying for children…and I’m not just talking about X-rated, or seriously scary stuff.
This is why it was so important to speak out about the impact the graphic HEADBOMZ campaign was having on some kids.
Dr Who.
Eastenders.
Holby City
The News…
…are just some of the TV programs children I have worked with, have watched and been bothered by. Then there are the films or computer games, and images on social media – all affecting children enough that they need to reprocess what they have seen in play therapy sessions. [Incidentally these are things that no adult has EVER mentioned in referral meetings as something the child is struggling with].
I know that for many children the chance to dress up and pretend to be something scary is just lots of fun.
However, just in case you are around a child who has been bothered by what they saw in relation to Halloween, or any other time of year, the tips below might help.
How to help a child stop being bothered by something fictional they have seen.
Understand:
Be aware that if they have been affected by something on TV, Youtube, online else where or something in a shop that has been referred to by an adult or another child as ‘just make up‘ or ‘just a costume’ or ‘just an advert‘, admitting it has scared them will be 100 times harder.
Understand:
If you tease a child for being scared, if you tell them they are being silly and there is nothing to be scared of or in any other way let them know you don’t think they should be scared, then it is likely they will not feel understood by you. It is fine for you to be clear you are not scared, but if you make them wrong for being scared when they ARE feeling scared and now they are SCARED AND WRONG, and therefore it is not safe to open up to you.
Understand:
Fears that are not expressed outwardly, get trapped and distorted, and for children, often end up becoming nightmares. It is quite possible that children who are becoming more reluctant to head to bed in these next few days and weeks may be suffering from bad dreams because of something they have seen in the last few days weeks.
Acknowledge:
Everyone gets scarred by different things. That is a fact. There isn’t one person who is never, never scared.
Hiding the things we find scary makes them bigger inside us and makes it feel like they have more power.
Consider:
We can get them out in the open. Drawing or talking about or making them in play doh, junk-modelling boxes etc with people we feel safe with, is like putting the light on and they often shrink down to size. It also gives us chance to think about -or make up- their possible weaknesses (for the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz it was water).
Explain:
Talk about the fact that however old we are, sometimes when we have seen something not nice on TV it can end up in our head when we are awake or in our dreams.
Create:
Ask the child to think about something that would be more powerful than the scary monster, witch, zombie etc. It can be a made-up something of course. Get them to describe in detail what makes that new power so powerful. If possible, if they feel safe with you, get them to draw it, make it (with your help?), talk and talk about it.
Create:
Then offer them the chance to create a story where the scary thing meets the good powerful thing..and let them decide how the good powerful thing will deal with the scary thing. (For many this will involve some method of killing it.)
Reflect:
Simply wonder out loud in a curious, but not interrogatory way, “I wonder how it feels to know that the …..(good powerful thing) was more powerful than the scary thing?” and then really listen to what the child says.
Let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear in the comments below or send me a private message.
Let’s vanquish the monsters and let creative light shine to over power darkness.
So many times I have heard it said to me ‘we are doing ok, we have a learning mentor’ or ‘we have a nurture room‘ or ‘we have a child and family support worker’.
Even if it is not said specifically in those words, I have had more conversations than I want to count where the implied message is ‘we are doing ok for our children’s emotional needs, because we have a person in school who deals with all that’. In other words; we have that box ticked.
Now please don’t get me wrong. I am all for a school having as many people as possible available to support children. I am also FULLY committed to the fact that some children need specialist therapeutic support (from additional trained and qualified therapists). What worries me is the attitude: the MINDSET that ‘we have someone who deals with ‘that‘ ‘.
I have been working closely with 1 particular school for a while now and here’s the thing. They don’t have a learning mentor. They don’t have a nurture room, they don’t have a rainbow room or any other kind of special room. They don’t even have as many TAs as the vast majority of other schools I’ve visited, and yet I believe, their children are safer emotionally now than they ever have been. How come? Precisely BECAUSE they don’t have any of those other things!
Through the vision and determination of insightful leadership, all the staff in that school have been trained; the teachers, the dinner staff, the TAs, the SLT (caretaker and office staff are on the journey too). It is not an easy catchment. ALL the staff now understand more about where their children are coming from; what trauma does to children and how best they can help rather than hinder. The entire SLT has up-skilled themselves with better communication skills (others to follow) and everyone is on a journey of becoming more effective professionals.
This is a school where ALL the staff are part of dealing with ‘that’. The whole school culture has changed and no-one is in the position of just not liking a child’s behaviour and being able to abdicate by simply handing them over to the ‘assigned emotional person’ to deal with.
Instead they are all now taking responsibility for and wanting to understand that behaviour. Everyone has learned, everyone is growing and everyone understands ALL the adults are part of the team that creates a school environment where children feel safe, understood and supported.
I know they long for a bigger team to support the children and families… And when that day comes, those additional roles will be able to slot into working with a staff team who already know:-
there is always more to behaviour than ‘just being naughty’,
they often affect a child’s behaviour,
trauma changes a child in ways they cannot control,
SO many of you will already know that after 10 years of continuous work as a children’s therapist, often working with very complex cases, I have been on a sabbatical from my direct clinical work. Have I been sitting around twiddling thumbs for the last year? Umm No. Much of the advisory, consultancy and training work has continued (albeit at a slower pace).
HOWEVER, I knew the lack of contact time with children would leave me some space mentally and emotionally… so for the last year I have been volunteering as a Puppy Socialiser for Dogs for Good. They are a fantastic charity training assistance dogs to help change peoples lives. I totally love what they are about, and although puppies are obviously gorgeous, I thought long and hard before getting involved as socialising a puppy is like long-term fostering…
My time with Hinton is not over yet, but already I have learnt so much about how to help puppies learn, grow and thrive in a way that feeds their body and soul. So much of what I have learnt about working with dogs has resonated with me as it is from the same philosophy I have been working from when working with children over all these years.
This is the first in a series of short videos (I don’t know how many more there will be yet – it largely depends on what you think of them!). I will share some of the insights I have around the similarities of working with dogs and children.
Hinton is big for his age. So are many children. And even those who are physically similar to their peers, may not be at the same emotional age. Have a watch and see what you think.
Have you come across this before?
Do you know children who struggle with being expected to be more mature than they are because of their size?
Do you know how to respond to a child who seems to not be as emotionally developed as they are physically?
I’d love to hear what you think about this – I think it happens more than we think. So let’s get the conversation going – feel free to scroll right down and comment below.
Also feel free to pass it on to anyone you know who might be helped by this in anyway. Hinton loves helping people… share his story and do let him know if he made a difference 😉
… And if you want to read another blog about this concept of physical and emotional age not correlating and one reason behind it, and what it looked like for a child I worked with then click here. Until next time… x
Even if it is not said specifically in those words, I have had more conversations than I want to count where the implied message is ‘we are doing ok for our children’s emotional needs, because we have a person in school who deals with all that’.
